Falling

43

TRIGGER WARNING: mentions sexual assault/rape

Vinny Taylor

My heart felt like it was about to leap out of my chest. I swore I could feel it jumping against my skin, begging me to stop whatever I was doing, to calm down. But there was nothing I could do to stop it. The rest of my body was still like I thought if I didn't move, nobody would be able to see me.

Unfortunately, that wasn't the case. All eyes were on me as we sat in a circle in Dr. Brown's office, my biggest secret hanging in the air and my warm tears pooling in my eyes and making my vision blurry.

I couldn't look at my mom cry. She didn't know what that did to me. But she let out a sob and I cried harder.

Dad pressed his knuckles to his mouth like he was trying to keep his own cries inside, but I saw the way he looked at me with so much devastation, like I had just told him the world was ending.

This was the first time I spoke about the rape out loud, the first time the mention of it lived anywhere but deep in my thoughts. But it always lingered in everything I did. It kept me up at night, made me lock all the doors and windows in the house, made the mere thought of someone touching me sexually make me want to throw up. Until Carson, that is, but even that took some time and there was still a ways to go. Just one thought, one reminder or feeling of being out of control, was enough to send me into a panic just as it had the other day in the park.

"That was very brave of you to say, Vinny," Dr. Brown started, her voice breaking through the sounds of cries that filled the room. "It takes a lot of courage to say that out loud, to let your family hear that."

I nodded and pulled my shirt up to dab the tears from my eyes.

"Do we need to take a break?" Dr. Brown asked, looking at each of us. "I know that was shocking to hear."

"I just— I—" Dad sniffled and furiously wiped at his leaking eyes.

I turned my attention to Logan, thinking any sight would be better than my father crying, but I was wrong. Logan sat silently, staring off into space with lines of tears down his face.

"Take your time," Dr. Brown told Dad before turning to me. "Vinny, do you need to take a break?"

I shook my head. No amount of time would make this any easier. It was out in the open now, I had to face it. If I left the room for a break, I was afraid I wouldn't return.

"I just don't know what to say," Dad finally said. "I don't know what I expected, but it wasn't that and I feel so horrible."

"Vinny, would you like to discuss how you're feeling?" Dr. Brown asked. "You don't have to go into detail or reveal more then you'd like, but it might be good to let us know where your head is, might give you and your family some clarity."

I nodded. I felt that I owed it to them. I spent months being horrible to them and they had no idea why. They just had to deal with it until they finally couldn't take it anymore. I needed to do this not only for myself but for them.

"It's all comes back to me sometimes," I started, clearing my throat. My tears had finally slowed and a small whimper left my mouth rather than a sob ripping through me. "When I'm alone in the house, I check the locks constantly, check all the rooms. I can only go so far with Carson without panicking, and he's so patient with me, but sometimes it's too much for him too. He doesn't know, so he thinks it's him that did something wrong. I couldn't even—" I paused, not knowing if I wanted to say the next part to my family, but therapy was the only place I could say it. "I couldn't even get an erection for the longest time. Just the thought of someone touching me sexually made me afraid."