The Good Enemy

Chapter Five

THE INVITATION

"Rage?" Dr. Rueng asks.

I nod, lying on the sofa with one eye shut and a finger pointing towards the ceiling, playing around with a spider forming a web.

"That's an interesting word to intertwine with pleasure. Don't you think?" Dr. Rueng continues.

"That's how it felt. I was angry. Raging from the inside out." I turn to look at her, dropping my hand. "And yet... It was the first night I've had a decent night's sleep since I returned. No nightmares."

"Tell me more about her."

I sit up, dropping my head into my palm.

"She is... sometimes... she is like a blossoming flower at the peak of dawn. Beautiful, captivating, seizing every breath in your lungs. Other times, she's a blank piece of paper."

"Do you find that comforting?"

"It's uncomfortable. I've always been able to read people, decide where to place myself in their lives. With her... I just don't know."

"Maybe, that's why you are drawn to her?"

"I'm not drawn to her." I chuckle, relaxing into the sofa and throwing my head back.

"Ok. What do you think you feel?"

I let my thoughts wander in silence.

"I'm not quite sure."

I can hear Dr. Rueng's pen scratching the paper, but I don't turn to look like I always do.

"When was the last time you were dominated?"

I spring forward, shocked by her question. My submissive lifestyle was one of the first things I divulged to Dr. Rueng when I began sessions with her— More like she ripped it out of me, as if I had a sign stamped to my forehead that said submissive.

"Excuse me?"

"You heard me," she replies, unfazed by my reaction.

"I... I don't see the point to that question."

"There is a point to it, I promise."

"I have been with people, if that's what you want to know."

"You've had sex with people of course. But I mean, when last were you dominated? We both know for you those two things do not particularly mean the same thing." She leans forward. "Sex is just an act. Two bodies, stimulating certain areas of the body to achieve an orgasm. But being dominated. That's different. It requires skill, passion, attraction. It can be intoxicating, overwhelming, thrilling. You lose yourself to it, lust and desire consumes you..."

As she speaks, it begins to feel like I am in Khun Cheng's office again. A wave of heat rushes over my face, and the belt I so desperately craved appears in my mind's eye. My breath slows down as Khun Cheng's warm breath brushes against my ear. That smell of her perfume mixed with cigar. I gulp, exhaling slowly.

"You can't get enough of it, you want more, it ignites something in your soul. And when it's over, you crave it again. Like an addict. You think about it repeatedly, reliving every moment. Do you see what I mean, Nong?"

"Uh-huh," I reply, turning away from her.

"Your need for submission is a key player in unlocking so many hidden details about your life. It isn't something you should be hiding away from. After all these years working with diverse traumatic situations, I find that how a person chooses to explore sadomasochism is very telling, especially if they have a history with trauma."