and over again [SEQUEL to over and over] [[Jacob Black x OC]] ..twilight..

8

We didn't know what to tell our dad, so we didn't inform him that Bella came home early. Sometimes, Jacob would accompany me to the Cullen's house so they could discuss how to go about informing the pack while reducing potential harm as much as possible. I sat out of these conversations. sometimes I'd sit on the couch with Bella, watching movies and talking baby names. other times, I'd take a pill, or even half of a pill, and just sit on the deck, drawing or thinking by myself.

I was doing that on this day, soaking in some unusual sun, high as balls. I couldn't feel much other than the warmth and light absorbed by my skin. I only had fleeting thoughts and I didn't remember them from one minute to the next. I was so comfortable.

until jasper came out. I had no idea how long he was there before I had the eerie feeling that someone was watching me and I opened my eyes. he was sitting on the edge of the deck, looking over his shoulder at me. I startled with a little gasp. I fixed myself to sit up a little better against the wall.

"when did you get there?" I asked with a hand over my chest. I realized again that my arm was in a sling. I was constantly forgetting and re-remembering, over and over again.

he shrugged. "not long ago."

I rubbed my eyes one at a time, then blinked as my eyes adjusted. he was sparkling in the sun, gorgeous as a greek marble statue. somber, though.

"are you okay?" I asked gently.

he smiled a little and looked away. "you shouldn't be asking me that."

"um, sorry," I mumbled, looking away.

"are you okay?" he asked, looking at me again. I could tell from the corner of my eye.

I watched a bumble bee crawl slowly towards my hand and I tried to get him to climb on me, but he was anxious and avoided it as much as possible, so I left him alone. he was so cute and fat and fuzzy and he had a little pollen on his butt. if I could kiss a little bee, I would, so gently so I wouldn't scare them-

"ada?" jasper said, breaking my train of thought. I looked up at him. "are you high or something?"

I rolled my eyes. now he was going to be on my case about it. I had enough trouble with Edward and Jacob dogging me with these questions about am I okay, am I high, why am I being so quiet, blah blah blah-

"ada," he repeated, hopping off of the deck. I almost felt scared when I saw him come towards me, thinking about his hand on my neck, but I was really high, and his eyes looked sad when I had this feeling. he must have noticed.

"um, i'm okay," I said, forgetting what he asked me. usually this was good enough when I couldn't remember what someone was saying.

"what are you on?" he asked quietly, stepping a little closer. he sat himself against the deck directly opposite of me. he laid his legs out so his feet reached my knees, just an inch or so away.

"it's nothing, just weed," I said quietly, looking back at my bee. oh my god, he was so cute. I wondered what I should name him. I kept calling him little bee, so I suppose that was his name, and that was just a fine name for a little bee,

"that's not just weed," he said, and oh my god, he looked so beautiful. I wanted so badly to curl up on his lap and let him hold me so I could just be held. Jacob was right inside, though, talking in Carlisle's study with some of the others. if he saw me like that, in an intimate moment with another man, he might totally lose it. he was fine with me experimenting, whatever, but intimacy? with a vampire? he'd probably kill him.

"ada," jasper repeated, nudging my leg with his foot. I looked at him. "I'm really sorry about what happened. I really hope this... relapse..."

he stopped, looking at his feet. it was silent between us for a minute because I couldn't remember what I thought he was trying to say. my chest felt kind of heavy, like I had to remember to breathe. that was hard to do, though, remember to breathe.

"I hope this relapse... isn't because of what happened," he finally said in a thick voice. he looked really upset and I thought that I had to say something, quick, and make everything better.

"no," I said quickly, shaking my head. "I'm okay."

he sighed and closed his eyes, leaning his head back against the railing. "that's not true," he mumbled, just loud enough for me to hear.

"what's that mean?" I said a little too defensively.

he looked at me as if he couldn't believe what I had said. "you're completely high out of your mind, I can feel it. that's not weed. I can't imagine where you got it from. and look at your fucking face! it's all black and blue... and your fucking arm..."

he stood up and stood at the part of the deck where the stairs were and looked out at the woods. I was sitting there, on edge, nervous about his apparent frustration.

after a moment, he turned back to me. "I'm sorry," he said with a heavy sigh. he crouched beside me, then sat on his knees. "I'm really, really sorry, ada. I don't know what to say or do. I feel awful about what happened, and what's worse is... you were doing really good."

confused, I watched his face as it changed with pain. I'd never seen a vampire cry before until then. I didn't even think they could. but there, clear as day, tears streamed from his eyes faster than he could wipe them away.

"don't cry," I said quietly, lifting a hand to touch his arm. "everything's okay."

he shook his head, shaking off my touch. i frowned at him, starting to feel really sad.

"you were doing really good," he said, deeply upset, shaking with sorrow. watching him cry was strange, because usually, the more upset a person gets, they start breathing fast and taking those deep, shuddering breaths. because he didn't need to breathe, his sadness shook his body and the tears just fell breathlessly. "I ruined that for you, and now you're back to where you started... and I really hurt you."

he looked at my shoulder, then his eyes searched my face. he touched the side of my head, tracing the fading blue and purple spots near my eye and cheek.

"I'm so sorry," he whimpered with a quivering frown. "I never wanted to hurt you."

all I could do was watch him. I felt so confused and strange, like I was nowhere near equipped enough, or should I say, sober enough, to know what to do in this situation.

"I forgive you," I said quietly, looking into his eyes. they were a bright golden color, unlike the last time I looked into them. I remembered the grip of his cold hands on my neck. "bad things happen sometimes."

he looked a little confused at my response. "I hate myself for what I did to you," he said, dropping his hand back to his side. "I would do anything to make it better."

I could think of a few things I could have him do for me, like stockpile some of my pills of choice or carry me to the bathroom and start up a warm and extravagantly bubbly bath, but there was nothing he could really do to convince me to forgive him. I already did forgive him. I loved him in many different ways. sure, his supernatural elements were terrifying, but what could he do to resolve that? he couldn't make himself human again even if he wanted to.

"you don't have to do anything," I said, each word falling numbly from my mouth. "I forgive you, I really do."

knowing, I imagine, that Jacob was inside, he planted a gentle kiss on my forehead and, after pulling away, smoothed my hair. he sat beside me against the wall of the house and leaned his head back. "I don't want to tell you what to do, or how to cope, or whatever," he said quietly, looking into my eyes, "but you can't keep doing this to yourself."

I rolled my eyes. I've heard that line so many fucking times. I almost wanted to tell him to leave me alone so I could have a pleasant high and not one dogged with "you should"'s.

"I'm serious," he pressed, "that shit can kill you even if you think you have it control."

funny for him to say. if I wasn't so sedated, I would've pointed out the irony of that statement coming from him, but I would've deeply regretted it.