Love Finds A Way

27

THE KIDS are with their mom, talking and comforting her. I still haven't gone in to see her. What am I supposed to say? What should I do? If she proposes for us to give it another go, how can I refuse when she's lying injured on that hospital bed? Fuck. Don't be selfish, Xiomara. Think about her, think about the kids. For today, put yourself last to everyone else, just like you used to do.

"Xo," when she sees me, her eyes immediately lights up. And I've been hoping that it wouldn't be this way. Why can't a near death experience make her see that we're better off without each other? Maybe she can have an epiphany of some sort even.

"Petah, how are you feeling?" That's a pretty stupid question. Of course, she feels like shit. Her arm is in a cast, and her torso is bandaged from an almost fatal wound. Even her head is bandaged. How the fuck am I suppose to look at her, and not feel sad and regretful?

"I've had better days," her voice is soft, and I can tell that her mouth is dry. I pour her a cup of water, and patiently help her drink it. Her movements are slow, and my heart's pulling in all sorts of directions. Seeing her in this state is making me think about everything in a different perspective.

If she did die, what would I do? Would I bawl and cry like I want to right now? Would I be the one planning the funeral? How would I comfort my kids, when their mother is deceased? I bet they'd be traumatized for life.

"Do you guys mind if I talk to your mom alone for a bit?" I ask. They look at me curiously and nod. Upon leaving the room, Mary looks back, as she wipes a tear from her eye. I look down, feeling like shit. The reason for the accident is because her blood alcohol level was off the charts, and she crashed into a tree on a lonely roadway. Thankfully, she didn't hurt anyone but herself, "you scared the life out of me," I look up at the ceiling, and take a deep breath. She really did.

"I'm sorry, Xo. I've just," she breathes, "been so out of it for the last few months."

Now, I definitely feel like the cause of everything. So she was drinking because she's upset about me? Basically, she's saying that it's all my fault, and that's what the kids will believe. For fuck's sake, I believe it.

"You shouldn't be drinking so much, Petah," I rub my temples, "I understand that you're hurting, but, but—" my lips quiver. If anything did fatally happen to her, I don't think I would've ever forgiven myself.

"I know, I'm sorry," she reaches for my hand, and I look at her broken arm. At least one is functional.

"We can't do this. I'm—"

"I know that you're with someone else. And I should have respected that from the beginning. But is there really no chance for us?" No words leave my lips. My immediate thought is no, but should I say yes? Won't it make the kids happy? Would it make me happy? Bethany... and her sweet baby boy... I can't say yes, when my heart belongs to someone else.

"Petah, I can't, I—"

"I understand. I just needed to make sure. Worth a shot, right?"

"Right," I close my eyes for a few seconds, "I've told you this a lot over the years. I do love you, I'm just not in love with you," I remind her.

"Are you in love with her?" I don't answer, but I think that's more than a response, "I just want you to be happy, Xo. If not with me, then with her. I love you too."