You drew stars around my scars

8

The next morning I woke up and rolled over, nothing. I immediately sat up. The bed was empty, it felt so lonely. Buck left, did he get scared off from the 'love you'.... From my scar. I felt tears forming in my eyes. I messed up everything, I ruined the one good thing I had going. I silently got some sweats on and slunk downstairs to the kitchen. I suck.

"Oh you are awake" I heard from the direction of my refrigerator.

My heard fluttered. He didn't leave. This boy is gonna give me a heart attack.

"Sorry I was trying to get this done before you woke up!" He said

He had been working on a breakfast for both of us. What looked to be two really nice looking omelets on plates with some cut up fruit and toast.

"It's okay" I sat down happy.

Watching the beautiful man, in my clothes, make me breakfast in my kitchen. He moves around my place like he knows where every little thing is. It's so cute. I love the domestic version of Buck. Of us. I just want to fold laundry with him, dance to music in the moonlight on the porch, cuddle on the couch with a bowl of popcorn. I wanted to hold his hand and go on a walk. I wanted to kiss him in public and not be afraid. I shouldn't be afraid. It's 2023 and we live in Los Angeles. A super lgbt friendly place. I didn't need to be afraid of loving him. Maybe I could have a life with him.

"Here you go baby" he said

He slid the plate in-front of me, wrapping me in a bear hug from behind. Leaning in and kissing my cheek.

"Do you wanna go out on a real date," I asked as he was still admiring his hicky work.

He was taken back by that. But he lit up at that idea. A real date with my best friend.

"Always" he replied

"Monday night, look cute" I told him.

....... three days later

Tomorrow was Tuesday, our next day off. I knew I could wine and dine him tonight. Then we had something else to talk about, and I did want it to be special when we did. No I'm not proposing. I just want to officially ask him to be all mine. I want to allow myself to love him... In public. So I can break this internalized homophobia that's still so heavily weighted on my chest. Worried that if I love him, especially anywhere someone will see, and that I will lose other ppl in my life for it? Why am I so worried, we know my chosen family, the 118 wouldn't leave me for being in love. Half of them are probably waiting for us to come out.

Shannon is gone, and I did love her at one point but I don't think we were actually going to make it, even if she hadn't tragically passed. We were young when we had Chris. Chris adores Buck and heck Buck has been like another parent to him since we met. My blood related family from LA would all be okay with me being gay... bi... queer? Idk yet. My Texas family would loose their shit, but I see them maybe once a year. If that. I shouldn't care.

-
I spent the day with Chris, we walked around the park, and in the mall a bit. Mostly attempting to window shop. But I did cave and buy him a few small things, a smaller Lego box from Avengers Endgame, and a few other things. I just loved that kid. And I know he would love me no matter what. I needed to tell him, he deserves to know. We sat down and as he was working on eating his ham sandwich, I nibbled on some berries that I packed.

"Hey Chris, you love Buck right?" I asked

"Of course! I love him so much! He's my bestie" he laughs

"Mine too"

"Nope he likes me more. You can only have ONE bestie and Bucky is mine" he grinned.

"Okay, okay you can have him" I laughed and handed him a capri sun.

"But Chris, would it be okay if Buck and I. Did more together. Like your mom and I use to. Dinner dates, sleepovers." I asked

"Oooooo. Do you have a crush on Buck" he asked trying to wiggle his eyebrows, and failing.

"Yeah, I guess that's what I'm trying to say Chris" I laughed to myself.

I think him being up my ass the other night makes us more than a crush but I can't tell Chris that.

"I get my TWO FAVORITE BOYS!" He shakes his hands so excitedly "YAY"

I smile. I really did do a great job raising him. And I really think I'm stopping the generational trauma and homophobia. I leaned over and placed a kiss on his forehead.

"I love you son"

I took him home, got him to shower for me, well for Carla who is babysitting him. And I started to get ready. Showered up. I threw half my clothes across my room looking for something perfect. I landed on a maroon dress shirt, a dark black vest and the same color shade black pants. The place was not tooo formal for a tie or anything. I liked the way I looked, sprayed some nice cologne. One I know Buck enjoys a lot, just as Carla came in. She greeted Chris who gave her a hug.

"Damnnn boy" Carla looked me over. "Spin"

I did a little twirl. She clapped.

"You look good. Who's the lucky girl?" She asked

My heart skipped a beat. Should I lie? No. I can't. This is the first time telling someone not 10, or someone who IS gay.

"Buck" I blushed