You drew stars around my scars

11

The next morning I was awoken by voices downstairs, I quickly got dressed in some of Bucks clothes and went to check on him. He wasn't there in bed with me. As I came down the stairs I saw two police officers, one who we knew, Athena. I stopped dead in my tracks, Buck was talking with her and the other one was walking around the place. What the fuck did I miss.

  "Eddie?" Athena saw me

  "Hi," I swallowed hard. I knew we'd have to tell her sooner or later but not however this soon,.. or whatever is happening here in this way.

  "Babe what the hell?" I asked Buck

  "Babe" Athena's eyes glanced up.

  I nodded looking down at his shaking hands.

  "Go look" Buck pointed at the apartment door.

In big red letters was the words 'Die faggots', someone else in the apartment seen the graffiti and called the building manager who called the cops.

  "I'm so sorry Buck, you should have woken me" I told him

  "It happened fast, I just threw on some clothes and met Athena at the door" he replied

Athena smirked at that, "I'll need to take both of your statements, about what you might have seen."

We both nodded, I knew it was that elevator guy who did this, but how'd he find Bucks exact place? I told Athena about the jerk and she said she would try and see if she could pull videos from anyone. She also let Buck know that the cover up paint job would be done for free.

  "Oh and congrats you too." She told us as she was leaving "you also just won me the bet with Bobby we had going"

She winked and closed the door. Buck sat on his chair, just staring off into space. I reached in to take his hand and he jumped.

  "I'm scared" he said finally.

"It's okay, I won't let anything happen." I told him, "you can stay with Chris and I if you feel better there"

Chris, CARLA. I am gonna pay her double for this. I felt bad for leaving her. He nods, goes upstairs and gets nicer clothes on than just pajama bottoms and a random shirt. I was going to take Chris to the library for awhile and then grab Lunch, Buck decided to tag along, at least until the spray paint was covered later this afternoon. If only I'd had hid my wants, if we had just been "straight" until I got him in the room. None of this would have happened. At the same time, thousands of people before us and people now are still fighting for the right to hold each others hands. We shouldn't have to hide in the shadows. I shook it off and drove him back to my place to get Chris and pay Carla a huge thank you.

   "Daddy! Bucky!" Chris yelled out the door as soon as we pulled up.

  We both out out to go see him and talk with Carla.

    "Carla I'm so sorry," I started.

    "Don't be! It's fine!" She said

I still give her a good pay and tip, and we started telling her about our crazy morning. Skipping over the uhhh sexy stuff. She definitely was worried about the harassment but, was so happy for us getting together. Actually everyone that mattered in our lives have been so supportive and happy. Buck follows Christopher around happily watching him like he was the best thing on this planet. He really did love Chis with his whole heart and soul. I already knew that he would do anything for him. I really do believe that he was the best person I've ever brought into our lives.

Once Carla headed out, and I was sitting alone, the other boys out of the room I started crying, I really screwed up and put Buck in danger last night. All because I was excited to not be so afraid. All because I wanted to allow myself to love him. I deserved to suffer. I risked his life, for what, a kiss. This is why I can't be gay, because being gay, being in love with him, will put him at risk. I grabbed the lighter from my bedside table. I know what Buck said, I knew deep down he wouldn't want this. I quickly light it and held it to my forearm again like last time. I really tried to stay clean from this for so long. I hadn't even had the urge since before I found out Shannon was pregnant. I tried therapy, I stopped for Chris. Now, after the other week, it's always sitting in the back of my mind. Like an annoying urge, especially when I mess up, do something wrong or dumb. My arm throbbing in pain, I clinched my jaw and bit back screams to not alert them. I quickly hid my mistake and went to find where my the boys went off too. I found Chris playing with some action figures in his room, Buck was across the room, helping clean up a bit.

"Chis, don't make Buck clean your room!" I scolded

"Eddie I want to! Plus your rooms a mess too" he smirked over at me.

I mean, he wasn't wrong. I folded and let him help us clean up. I took the dirty clothes from his arms and put them with mine, taking them downstairs to the washers. Buck slid into the living room and started up some music to play in the background. This warmed my heart. Made me forget how much I hated myself. I didn't know just how happy us being domestic and just doing laundry and dishes together would make me. I could just be with him... It's almost better than the sex. I came back up from the laundry and Chris was cleaning up his toys, I watched him for a few minutes just spacing out.

"He's a great kid" Buck said laying his hand around my shoulder.

"Yeah, he is" I sadly smiled.

Something then caught my nose, it smelt so good. Food. I was STARVING.

"Are you cooking?" I asked

"Least I could do after last night," he winked and quickly kissed my cheek.

I finished organizing my room up quickly before collecting Chris and meeting Buck downstairs for some lunch. My mouth watering. He made a pasta salad and chicken wraps. I love Bobby's cooking, but Buck is a close second. We all enjoyed our meals, watching Buck and Chris talk about how schools been going. Chris told him all about his classes and that he was excited for this school dance coming up. That still makes me so nervous, my kiddo is growing up. I'd do anything to just wrap him back up and always protect him but I can't do that forever. Buck lightly placed his hand over my knee as a reassurance. He must have felt me tense up about that. So sweet.

"You ready?" I ask Chris as I placed his dishes in the sink

"Yup!" He replied,

Buck then turned around and picked him up carrying him out the door towards our elevator. I grabbed his crutches, snapping a cute picture of the two. I get to treasure these moments forever. We got to the elevator and Buck helped Chis get situated so they could both walk to the truck. I buckled up Chris in the middle then hopped up into the drivers side, Buck was shotgun. Just the three of us, our little happy family. Makes my heart so warm and full. I don't think I'd ever or could have ever been this happy with Shannon. Maybe I've always been gay. Like I've said it always felt like I was preforming when dating a woman. With Buck it doesn't feel like that. But I can't be gay, even tho when I'm with him It feels like home. It looks like Karen and Hen. It looks like Bobby and Athena. It's safe, it's warm. I wanted to be okay with this. I wanted to accept the life we could have. I wanted to feel safe.