Caught

35.

For the first few days I tried to hold on to hope, looking for Shira and wondering where he would have gone if he had managed to get out alive. It made sense that he wouldn't go back to the Resistance base. But there was no sign of him anywhere. And as the days went by, I realised I was chasing a mirage.

A week passed.

The Council pardoned Shira after Maya's and my testimony. It acknowledged his 'part in the final victory of the Resistance', but made no further announcement. Only a few people knew of his true merits. At first I was upset, but in the end I let it be.

Another week passed.

Shira's katana lay on a shelf in my apartment. I felt it was only right that such a valuable possession should be returned to the family. So I used my access to the central mainframe and the little information Shira had given me about his parents to search for any relatives.

After hours of searching and breaking many security protocols, I found a photograph of his mother. I recognised her immediately. The resemblance was undeniable.

I looked at her picture on my laptop and saw Shira's features, the curve of his mouth, the colour of his eyes. After a while, tears began to roll down my cheeks.

More and more days and weeks passed.

After a while, I stopped counting. I couldn't concentrate properly, my mind was off, I slept badly, I hardly ate.

I kept replaying in my head what I should have done differently, whether things would have changed if...

If what? Everyone around me was convinced that all had turned out just fine. I had survived, so had Maya. The war was over, the rebels had won. I was a Councillor and a General. I didn't want any of this, but there was no way out, no matter how much I sabotaged it.

Sitting in my flat, I stared wearily at the wall. I hadn't slept last night and I felt miserable. When someone knocked at the door, I didn't move. I was in no mood for company. But the visitor was insistent.

The knocking became a banging. When the voice called out, I knew it was Maya. And I also knew that she would not be easy to get rid of.

I opened the door with a sigh.

"Are you going to scold me again?" I said before the young woman could utter a word. She walked past in silence and invited herself in.

"Would it make any difference?" She gave me a stern look, as if I were a naughty child.

I slammed the door behind her and ushered her into the living room. "Would you like a drink?"

"Don't play the polite host," she replied, studying my face intently. "You look like you haven't slept for a week. What's wrong with you, you missed the Council meeting again today."

"Nothing," I snapped. "I'm just tired of listening to them argue for hours about seating arrangements."

"Marat has spoken against you again; if you don't appear next time, you'll only be playing into his hands".

Yes, the blond Captain didn't like me and used every opportunity to throw mud at me. Admittedly, I made it quite easy for him.

"Anything interesting?"

"Um..." she mused. "The word 'undisciplined' came up at least five times, then 'unreliable, arrogant, self-absorbed', what else? 'Doesn't take his duties seriously', 'a disgrace to the Resistance', yeah, and then he brought up the time you punched him in the face."

"So nothing new."

The strange look on Maya's face made me ask, "Or not?"

The girl shrugged, then added reluctantly, "He also mentioned Shira."