Deep Within My Soul

strangely enough, i perceive...

Lately, I've had something brewing inside of me, and I'm unsure what this is. As 18 draws near, the curtains to my emotions draw open, unveiling what I did not know until now. I knew anger—she and I were sisters—but sorrow was a distant cousin paying her overdue visit. It was so strange, yes, it was sudden like velvet waves morphing into a grotesque beast and thrusting me into her cold, suffocating embrace.

I'd never felt this before. I didn't like it. But I couldn't fight it this time. I had to finally feel it, and I had to feel it alone because every hand that ever reached out was silently against me. But I was never an idiot, believe me I could see it. And if I did not see it in that moment, I eventually would.

Then two—I don't even know what to describe them as—but when hope was a mere distance, they stepped to each side of me. And though I haven't known them as long, I love them as if I had known them my entire life.

And it got worse—this brewing that is.

First and foremost, I don't understand how someone could be so kind and so genuine. You must be hiding something—you have to be! I dare you not prove me wrong for the sake of my ego. In my mind, I have always been inquisitive and a scientist, so I question everything and everyone. I consider myself justified in that. So I studied you thoroughly. I caught the subtle change in your tone. I prayed, and I fasted. And you better believe that I begged God for a million signs.

I enjoy puzzles, but I couldn't solve this one. No, not yet. The pieces had to have been missing—or was there an error in my analysis? Perhaps I could not comprehend this strange, unfamiliar territory because I'd never seen it until now, and this was causing me to feel something I'd never felt before—not by the hands of man that is. What's that word again? It's been so long?

Fear. I was afraid. Was I afraid?

No, no that can't be. I was willing to be open, yet I was to something to stay that way. I was willing—or so I thought—to receive and reciprocate that love, but I was too something to do what I just lied about.

Okay, I admit it. I was afraid.

I thought this would be easy, but if anything, my expectations were first crushed before they could be exceeded. I dreamed of this day, but it didn't go the way I believed it would. And I hated it. But then something happened. Perhaps the switch in my brain flipped or the loose screws rearranged themselves, but I suddenly realized that it wasn't all that bad and maybe I loved it.

I don't celebrate birthdays, this year would be no exception, but I asked the Lord for a gift to at least recompense the trauma and the childhood I never had. And one strange morning, I woke up, and I came to the realization that the love I received for the first time in forever makes me want to pour it back out to others.

Maybe life wasn't so bad. Maybe it was possible that I was actually cared for. Maybe I did want to get married and have kids one day, even though that desire became tainted. Maybe, just maybe this was the gift I'd been asking for months—the ability to be content, even in the end of my childhood. Even in the abuse. Even in the pain.

I'm uncertain when the scales of justice will be weighed, when I can finally leave what I have known all my life. But I thank God He has given me the strength to be okay. Because in all my years, I wanted this gift so badly, but I deemed it near impossible in the midst of mere chaos. Yet I was proven wrong as always with God. Once again, He has done something my intellect could not apprehend. He has proven that I am a mere mortal, truly, a speck in His eye, though He still sees me and knows me in great detail. And because of this, this gift was perfectly made and entirely for me.

Now I get really excited at times, some strange bliss that makes me want to cringe. And then I can't help but allow this joy to come flaring through my lips. Sometimes, people wonder why I get excited at the minuscule things. But if they knew what I went through, they'd understand why I don't take this for granted.

My pride has been stripped away, along with the bruise in my spine that caused me to walk with a cane, yet I ceased to notice until now, until that lump was removed. What I thought I knew, I failed to know, and the irony in that is that that was good. I have been proven wrong in my lifelong case that what I deemed impossible is very possible. The measurements, charts, and graphs could not predict this. Mankinds answer was logic but my answer was not. No, it was something divine, beyond what the human mind could grasp. I came up with different possibilities, and every one of them was wrong, only a testament of my unbelief and the stronghold that was on my mind.

But now I'm free.

Yes, it is possible to love and to be loved by God and the people He has sent to me. Life may be bleak but it is indeed not lonely. And all of the world is not out to get me, even though it may seem that way when you are imprisoned in a place that only sees you as prey.

Yes, this may be the end of my childhood but this is the beginning of a new birth where I choose to become the woman I was not raised to be. And even though I'm surrounded by whirlwinds of trouble, I'm okay. I've told myself that word so many times, meaning I've spoke a lifetime of lies. But now I'm genuine.

I'm okay. And that was the best gift I could ever receive.