Crashing You Open \\ Reneé Rapp

Chapter 13

Jordan's POV

I'd drank 5 hot chocolates while staring at the ice melt in the caramel iced coffee I got for Reneé. I'm not sure when, but it was apparent that in the heads of the workers, I had gone from potentially stood up to the pathetic delusional girl still waiting. My past 2 drinks have been free, with a side of pitiful smiles from the baristas of course.

At 2:30 the bell on the door rang again. I continued picking at my nails. I'd given up on looking at the door about 2 hours ago, the disappointment wasn't worth it.

"You know that's a really bad habit, right?" a familiar voice said

I looked up to see Reneé pulling the chair across from me out and sitting down.

"You came" I gave her a mega-watt smile

"You're still here" she responded, not rudely, but definitely guarded

"Yeah, I was hoping you'd have a change of heart, I guess it worked"

Reneé just nodded. The silence engulfed us uncomfortably within seconds. I took that as my cue to stop wasting time and to start explaining.

"Alright, here goes" I took a deep breath "I want to start out by apologizing for taking so long to contact you. I wanted to so many times, but I didn't know what to say. I needed time to navigate my feelings about you and about my past. It was really immature of me not to just text you that."

I shook my head at myself.

"That's true, but did you?" Reneé spoke up

"Did I what?"

"Navigate your feelings" she cautiously asked

"Yes and no" I admitted "I really like you Reneé and I'd love nothing more than to openly explore that if you feel the same. But on the other hand, I'm not prepared for a relationship. That's actually why I ran out. You said something about lesbian relationships moving fast and I freaked out. I turned a funny and sweet moment into a panicked mess."

Reneé's eyes seemed to soften a bit in understanding at this.

"I know I haven't told you much, but Ellie was everything to me. Thinking about allowing another person to replace her scares the hell out of me. I know in my head that she would want me to move on and I shouldn't feel guilty, but my heart hasn't caught up" I sniffled

Reneé grabbed my hand, "why didn't you just tell me this 3 weeks ago?" she softly questioned

"I've asked myself that question everyday, cause I've missed the hell out of you. I guess I was just scared that you wouldn't understand and I was terrified of you rejecting me once you realized how damaged I am. But I already did the pushing away for you" I chuckled sadly

Renee's POV

My heart was breaking for Jordan. I can see how difficult it is for her to be so vulnerable. Plus she's wrong.

"You didn't push me away" I admitted, which caused Jordan to regain hopeful eye contact with me. "Don't get me wrong, I'm still not thrilled about you ignoring me, but I can forgive you. I can only imagine how tough losing her must have been for you. That's obviously leaves a huge scar on your heart, but it doesn't mean you have to become a spinster"

Jordan nodded, a bit skeptically, looking down at her hands.

"I want to make one thing abundantly clear" I put my finger under her chin, persuading her to meet my eyes

"I am not trying to replace Ellie" Jordan flinched slightly at her name "I could never replace her even if I wanted to, but that doesn't mean you can't stretch your heart out a bit to invite a new resident eventually."

Jordan's lip started quivering as my words hit her

"Do you wanna go somewhere more private to keep talking?" I asked, trying to prevent a public emotional breakdown

Jordan took a deep, grounding breath. "In a little bit yes, for sure, but I'm ok right now. Thank you. Thank you for being so thoughtful, forgiving, and most importantly for your encouraging words. I mean damn, no wonder you're a songwriter" she laughed

This 180 made me laugh along with her.

She stroked her thumb on my hand and carefully asked, "do you think we could try to just be friends for a little while until I get my head sorted out? I really don't want to lose you, but I don't want to start something when I can't give you all of me"

"Of course, I would never want to push you into a situation you aren't ready for. Friends it is" I smiled at her

Being friends is going to be extremely difficult and to be honest I'm not thrilled about this conclusion. But at the same time, I really missed her company too and some is better than none. I can help Jordan get ready for a relationship and just pray she chooses me once she's at that step.

"How is it that I find myself more and more grateful for a car crash? It's dichotomous as hell, but it's true. You're amazing Reneé"

I found myself blushing and staring into Jordan's eyes. I snapped my gaze away, friends I reminded myself, no more swooning for a while.

"Damnit" I aggressively said aloud

Jordan's satisfied expression instantly turning into a perplexed one

I groaned "I'm gonna have to thank Adam for convincing me to meet up with you now"

Author's Note:

SHORT I KNOW!!! But our girls are back again, even if it isn't in the way we all hoped... don't be mad, there's plenty of time left ;)

Thanks for killing it on my last chapter, my phone was blowing up and it makes me excited to keep writing xx