𝗙𝗢𝗨𝗡𝗗 | bucky barnes

BONUS alternate ch. 58: Fixing

"Talk to me, Bucky!"

"What do I say!" he said loudly. "You want to know what's bothering me?" he said. "Hell, what isn't bothering me? Everything is changing! And everything's wrong! All I ever wanted was two things, Catarina. Two things. Okay? I want to live in peace, and I want you. And I don't have any of them."

"You have me! I'm right here!"

Bucky closed his eyes for a second and let out an annoyed huff. "No, Cat, I don't. Yeah, I'm not talking. But it's because you're drifting away, too. You don't push. You don't ask. You ask me about my day, and I give a blunt answer, and you just accept it. That's not like you! I feel like... I feel like I can't talk to you anymore. Because I don't know what you're gonna say. I'm scared you're gonna say nothing."

"I only did it because of you! You were being quiet, so I just... I couldn't get you to talk at first so I just... I just stopped trying, Bucky. Because I thought that, maybe you would drift back on your own. And then.." Cat swallowed the lump in her throat. "And then I started not saying anything. And I got used to it. So I..." Cat blinked the welling tears out of her eyes, but it didn't do anything for her. "You shut me out. You shut everything out. I'm here! I'm right here! Can't you see that?"

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry I shut you out." Bucky's mouth opened and closed a couple times before saying something again. "I didn't mean it."

"This is the most I've felt in so long.  I want to feel all the time.  When you shut out your feelings, I do the same thing.  Because I guess I just don't know any better. I want you to tell me what's wrong all the time, Bucky.  So that I can fix it."

"There's some things you can't fix, Cat."

"I don't care, Bucky.  I don't care if I can't fix it.  I can at least help you fix it.  Every problem has its solution." She looked him in the eyes with hope that somewhere in him he just wanted to forget it all and spill everything to her, then they could kiss and make up.  But that's fairytale stuff.  She looked at him, longing for him to just... just make it all stop.  His lips parted and he looked at her with sorry eyes. "I want to fix us." Cat looked down and rested her head in her hands.  She didn't want to cry.  She wasn't going to cry.

Catarina felt a tear run into her hands.

"I.." he began quietly. "I, um, I hadn't even realized we needed fixing."

"See?" said Dr. Raynor.  "Answers.  Questions. Feelings. Communication. This is how you fix it.  I want you to look back at each other. But this time, don't say anything.  I just want you to communicate with your faces."

Cat picked her head back up.  Her eyes were full of tears, and she didn't wipe her face as one fell down her cheek. She wasn't sure what emotion her own face showed— acceptance, she hoped. Bucky just looked sorry.

He was sorry.

He was sorry for acting like that. For keeping his emotions in. For making her think that that's what she had to do to. He was sorry for making her upset. He knew that indirectly, he had caused her tears. He made her cry. He never, ever wanted to do that again. He was so sorry.

He'd never really been able to accept that there was someone to talk to. Someone for him to talk about his feelings with. He'd been so used to having to push away his emotions for 70 years that he just kept doing it at the slightest inconvenience, as if it were a sign. He didn't like it. But he was used to it.

He wasn't going to do that any more. He'd try. For Cat.

Bucky put his hand up to her face, then wiped away a tear. He then put it down onto her lap. Still looking in his eyes, she took his left hand, then took off his leather glove, feeling the cold of the metal in her palm. She intertwined her fingers with his, and Bucky's sorry look turned into one of love.

"There you go," said Dr. Raynor, smiling. "You're done. Maybe not problem completely solved, but you just took the first step." She nodded to them both. "You're free to go," she said.

Cat and Bucky got up. Cat smiled and nodded at Dr. Raynor. She and Bucky then turned to leave. She saw Bucky looking back at her as they walked out of the room side-by-side, but she couldn't see his facial expression.

They walked out of the police station without a word.  It was dark out.  They met Sam in the parking lot next to where the police cars were stationed.  They walked over with conjoined hands, and Sam looked down at them, then raised his eyebrows.

"Couples therapy did it for you two?" he asked.

"Did it do it for you two?" Cat asked, referring to Sam and Bucky.

"More or less," said Bucky.  Sam just shrugged.

"Right," she said, unconvinced. 

a.n.: 

originally, this was the plan: bucky and cat would go to therapy and make up, and the mission would go along.  But i wanted there to be this grand gesture in the last episode of tfatws, and it wouldn't really hit as hard without their breakup.  also, at this point in the show, i think this needed to happen.  I think bucky wasn't really up for anything at this point, whether that be friendship with sam, his and cat's relationship, or even accepting his past as the winter soldier.  

this was what i wanted to happen, and what i wrote originally, and then i realized that a breakup is what needed to happen. 

anyway this has been rotting in my notes app so i decided you guys should have it. what do you think?

don't forget to vote :)

molly