Left With More Than a Memory

What Was it All For?

Welcome back! Thank you again for all the support, I appreciate all of you! A bit of a shorter update today, but I hope you'll like it all the same.

What Was it All For?

Minerva sighed as her mind raced. She knew she had been unusually guarded these past few months. Thus, there could be no misreading of the true tone of Louise's question. The knowledge that every action she would take for the rest of your life was now no longer just her own, but would affect another person quickly taught Minerva that she had never truly known terror before. Since then she had been so caught up in just trying to wrap her head around everything, just pushing through to the next day, that any real depth of conversation, any thought of any kind of vulnerability with any body had only added to her internal terror. So she had shut herself up. But now, for the first time in months she felt she could be honest. She felt as though she was in control, she was safe. And was relieved to be given a space to let go

"I have been better" she chuckled tiredly, looking straight ahead. "I ache all over and I am so dismally uncomfortable, all of the time. I don't recognise the woman in the mirror anymore" the weary smile fell from her face as she paused. Inhaling deeply she began again slowly

"Everything is moving so fast. I cannot keep up, no matter how hard I try. I feel as though I have absolutely no control over anything any more, I am terrified of what I will wake to tomorrow. And I am absolutely exhausted".

"I am so angry, all of the time". Louise said in response to the new silence.

"I know people who's parents, siblings, children are dead. They have lost the unimaginable and I don't ever attempt to say I could understand that. But I have lost too, just differently.

Minerva listened, feeling every word go straight to her core.

"My brother is alive but I have not seen him in God knows how long. I've had to watch my parents receive countless letters telling them that people they love are dead. The panic as they remove the seal wondering if this is the one that will tell them that their son is dead. They try to shield me from it so they won't talk to me now. They write all the time but they say nothing. I don't think I know who they are anymore. My family are right in front of me, but I have lost them all. And I feel like that is not enough. That I don't deserve to grieve that. And it makes me so, incredibly angry".

Minerva turned to her, a tear rolling down her cheek.

Louise turned too.

Minerva stared into eyes that could have been her own. She saw in the green the little girl who had bounded many a time into her home for biscuits, hot chocolate, someone to take her down to the stream to wade in it. Louise had been a child whose power to lighten any room was unmatched. An imagination that was nurtured to run wild left all around her with no choice but to fall into the better world it created. The same eyes that little girl had seen so much good, light, and hope with showed Minerva the ghosts of a thousand smiles, a thousand laughs, thousand joys that seemed now to belong to different people. The green seemed almost to guard her pupils, in their recipients of sights far beyond the world they had once created. Far beyond anything any eye should be subjected to. Reflected in their blackness the horror, the anger, the fear that only war can bring. These images fought with a thousand dreams that burst up from her soul with no hope now they would ever be set free. But these eyes, filled with every side life had to offer were set in an exhausted face. Her soul ached with grief at how many had fought, how many had died, so she would never have to look into the face of another child and see what she now saw. It all felt as though it meant nothing now.

"I am so sorry Lou"

Louise initially held it together. But the openness in the gaze she met proved too much. She broke down.

"Oh love," Minerva whispered moving to her and hugging her tightly.

"I am sorry, I am so so sorry".

And on that cheery note I shall bid you all a good day! Until we see each other again!