The Boy Who Cried Werewolf

The Very Brief Return of Ol' Shifty

Ford leaned over the body of the shapeshifter. He and Fiddleford had removed it from the cryostasis tube and laid it out in the laboratory (which had once been the Northwests' formal dining room), prepping it for dissection. The body still hadn't completely thawed, but the scientist and the engineer duo were already laying out their dissection tools and the containers for the various samples Ford wanted to collect. Ford circled the table, jotting down copious notes.

"Ain'tchu already done that?" McGucket asked. "What happened to yer journal from back then?"

Ford hesitated before answering. "After the events of four years ago, I decided to throw the journals down into the Bottomless Pit."

"You did what, now?" Fiddleford cried, incredulous.

"I think it was Mabel's idea," Ford said. "And in the end, I agreed with her."

"That was a foolish thing t'do, Ford," McGucket scolded.

"Look, the reason Bill was able to enter our dimension was that the journal had been used to summon him here," Ford answered. "And the instructions for building the interdimensional portal were in the books, too." Ford looked down, sighing. To tell the truth, Ford missed his journals, and the valuable references in them. He couldn't help but miss all his work, all his research. He shook his head. "It- They were too dangerous," he finished.

McGucket sniffed. "Yer a durn fool, Pines," he declared. "You had valuable information in them books o' your'n; you don't destroy stuff like that."

"But the knowledge contained in those volumes was too dangerous!" Ford protested. "There was so much I wished I didn't know...."

"Banjo polish!" Fiddleford retorted. "Ain't no such thing as knowledge bein' too 'dangerous' t'be know'd! ...Not as opposed to the alternative...I learnt that when I tried to erase my own memories alla them years ago. Trust me." He laid a hand on Ford's shoulder. "It's what you do with it what makes it bad or good."

Ford made no answer to that. Changing the subject, he said, "Poor Shifty. Despite everything, I hate to see him like this." At Stan's behest the other day, he had shut down the cryonic life support systems long enough to pump in carbon monoxide while pumping out the oxygen, and then resealed the pod.

"Hah!" McGucket said. "We shoulda kilt it years ago, soon as we saw the warnin' signs."

"I know, I know," Ford said. "I was too sentimental. Too squeamish."

"Well, you start collectin' your samples fer testing," McGucket told him. "I'm gonna go git the bioscanners ready. You got everything you need here?"

"For now, yes," Ford replied. "I'll call you when the body is ready for the scanners."

McGucket left as Ford turned his attention back to the body of his old 'pet' Shifty.

As the body warmed, Ford took out a scalpel and collected surface samples from various places around the shapeshifter's body. He used a needle to draw blood. He scraped various orifices for mucosa samples. He even used pliers to draw one of the shapeshifter's teeth. He placed some of his samples into collection phials, test tubes, and petri dishes; and some he fixed to slides for the microscope. He used a large bore needle to collect deeper tissues, including bone marrow- or whatever it was the shapeshifter had in place of bone marrow. Or bones, for that matter. It all went smoothly, and Ford secured his samples and put them aside in a large plastic container.

After Ford had packed the samples away, he brought out a gross dissection kit, with pyrex tubs for Shifty's internal organs. Ford leaned over the body and reached for a scalpel. But as he began to make the first cut, he felt a clawed hand with a grip like steel dig into his throat.

"You..." a deep, rumbling growl said. "You've come back?"

"S-Shifty?" Ford croaked.

"Why did you abandon me? Starve me?"

"B-but- you're supposed to be-"

"Dead?" Shifty sneered, sitting up. He maintained his grip on Ford's throat. "Did you really expect I'd be so easy to kill?" The beast's eyes narrowed. "What did you do? The last thing I remember is those kids..." Shifty stood and looked around. "Where are we?" he demanded. "This isn't the cave! Talk now!"

He increased the pressure on Ford's throat.

"We flooded your stasis pod with poison gas after shutting down your life support," Ford forced out in a hoarse whisper.

The shapeshifter made an ugly noise and threw Ford across the room. "And you want to dissect me now, eh?" the beast snarled. It shifted into Ford's form, testing its own abilities after being so long in stasis.

"I'm sorry, Shifty," Ford coughed as he struggled to stand. "You became too dangerous. Too eager to deceive and kill."

"Oh, so the answer is now for you to kill me, is it?" the creature asked in Ford's own voice.

Ford began inching toward the door as the shapeshifter watched. "Trying to escape, you old coward?" it mocked.

It leapt at Ford just as it thought he was about to dart through the open lab door. But, far from escaping, Ford hit an alarm button. Immediately a klaxon started blaring throughout the mansion as security doors and shutters slammed closed, sealing them in.

Ford hadn't worn his sidearm in the lab. He cast about desperately for anything he might be able to use as a weapon. As he did so, Shifty took the form of a gremoblin from the third volume of his journal, and threw himself against the sealed lab door, roaring to be let out. Fortunately, the door did not budge as the shapeshifter battered himself against it.

While Shifty was thus occupied, Ford got the large needle from the dissection kit and filled it full with one of the tissue fixative chemicals he had been using. He crept up behind the shapeshifter, and then, gathering his courage, he jumped on Shifty's shaggy gremoblin back and plunged the needle into the side of its neck. Shifty let out a horrific shriek as Ford rammed the plunger down, filling its neck with the poisonous concoction.

Shifty turned, throwing Ford across the room again. He hit the far wall, and crumpled, unconscious. The shapeshifter howled, clawing at its neck as its disguise fell away.

"AAAARGH! WHAT WAS IN THAT SYRINGE? WHAT WAS THAT-"

By now, Shifty was already starting to tremble. Foam began to pour out of its mouth. As the beast started spasming, the lab door opened. It turned, hoping to make an escape, but instead saw his way blocked by Old Man McGucket. He was holding a fire axe over his head. Shifty shook his head, bellowing in rage, as McGucket swung down and across, neatly separating Shifty's head from its body.

The shapeshifter's body continued to twitch and writhe for several minutes as the head tried crying out, though without lungs, it simply twitched and squirmed like the body. McGucket cackled. "Heh! Them Corduroys ain't the only ones in this here town what knows how t'use an axe!" He hurried over to Ford as he lay, stunned. "Ford, ol' buddy? Are you okay?" Ford groaned and sat up against the wall. "Barely," he said. "What just happened?"

"Well," Fiddleford said. "I jest came in here and kilt the monster!"

Ford saw the still twitching body and he separated head. "It still kind of looks alive," he said to McGucket. "It's still trying to escape."

"Well, then," Fiddleford said, "Let's strap 'em both down on th' slab and git busy!"

"Busy...?" Ford asked, his head still clearing.

"Hoo, boy, yeah!" McGucket cackled again. "We's still gots some internal organs t'collect, don't we? Whar's yer knives and bone saw?"

"Right over there," Ford indicated as he smiled and rose to his feet.

The eyes in Shifty's head blinked in terror as it saw the two men approach.

"Believe me," Ford said as he lifted it and placed it on the exam slab. "It really pains me to have to do this...."