Muslimah Next Door { Editing }

{ 24 } Trying To Remember

{ Saabira }

"James, come in." I open the door wider for him to enter.

His eyes come in contact with mine and I quickly lower my gaze. His eyes were a blazing fire, cold, hurt and lost. He held his hands behind his back as if he was hiding something. I lower my gaze from his hand and sighed as I  took a seat on the couch.

"Is there anything I can help you with? Any paperwork?" I say, looking up at him for a split second.

"No, no. That's not why I came here." Hastily he hands me the thing he had behind his back.

I look down and see it was the holy book- the Quran. Why does James have this book?

I look up at him, confused. What does the Quran have to do with his arrival?  It was as if he can read my thoughts because he answers.

"You gave this to Rosemary." He rubs his hands over his eyes tiredly. "It couldn't have been anyone else, you were the only Muslim that talked to her."

Rosemary was James sister? I was right! Why would he lie, saying she wasn't his sister. Was Rosemary a disgrace?

I shake my head. "I didn't give this to Rosemary. If I did I would have told you." 

I absolutely can't remember anything about Rosemary, except for that night.

That night she was to convert. I can't tell James that. He would hate me even more, not that I care. I just don't want to make enemies.

"Don't you dare lie to me, you were the only Muslim that was her friend. Just tell me what happened! Give me a memory to remember my sister by." Tears run down his cheeks.

I was taken aback from that sort of emotion.

"Did Rosemary not tell you? How could I tell you a memory of Rosemary if even I don't have much memory left in me?" I ask bluntly.

"You spent lots of time with her, you were her best friend!" He chokes back a sob.

"How can't you remember your best friend? Or is that a thing Muslims have in common, they don't care about the people around them?"

"Insulting my religion won't get you any help," I shout back. "I don't remember, just leave it at that."

"No, no, no. Just try to remember something- anything." He comes closer, snatching the holy book from my palms. He flips through some of the pages, staring at the Arabic words dumbly.

"Do you remember reading any of this with her?" he asks desperately. "Why did she even have this damn book, to begin with?" he asks.

I take a deep sigh, looking up at him. "Give me back the Quran, James." I lower my voice.

He practically shoves it to me. I should be offended since he has disrespected the holy book, but I am more in shock that he has handed it to me instead of shouting.

He wipes away a tear, glaring at me whenever I stared at him. He had that 'What are you looking at' stare.

"James, I do remember a few things with Rosemary. My memories are hazy. I had met up with her on one night and that was the last time I had saw her," I admit.

James frowns. "Why was that the last time you saw her? What were you two doing that night?" He sits down on a couch that was on the opposite side from me.

"The last time I saw her was the night before she came out to your family. The next day was the time I last my memory-" I trail off, looking for some reaction coming from James but he seems to be putting on a mask.

He looks much more in control of his emotions than previously.

"What were you two doing that night?" he repeats.

"Your sister was planning to convert to Islam. That's why she had the Quran. That's why she and I always hung out with one another frequently. While you and your family were hating on our religion, I had educated Rosemary about it. She soon grew fond about the whole thing, she wanted to learn more and know what the meaning of life was. She wanted to become Muslim."

I can easily notice the uncomfortable shifts James made, like the thought of his sister being Muslim was the worst thing ever. That made me feel sick, but I continued.

"We were planning on going to a local mosque and have her read the shahada, but instead I had postponed the idea because I thought it would be better to break the news to her family first. She was so nervous. She kept going on and on with 'will they accept me? will they still love me?' I told her 'they will.' I kept reassuring her, but she had doubts. I wish I had stood by her side, I wish I hadn't taken her doubts as a minor feeling. I wish-"

Now I sound too hurt. I can't even finish that sentence, my throat won't let me. James sits across from me waiting for me to continue, his eyes heavy with anticipation. Almost like he felt relieved he wasn't the only one with regrets.

I take a deep inhale.

"-and that was the last time I saw her and had my last memory with her ." My voice cracks and I-I-I'm a mess.

I didn't realize how deeply I had missed Rosemary. All of those memories of her that I had forgotten suddenly come back. My chest tightens and I feel like I'm drowning. My best friend is gone. Forever. And she didn't get enough time to convert. Why, why!

She had so many things to do in life. She didn't even get the chance to do any of them.

"She wanted to become- Muslim," James says slowly as if he is trying to register everything. "and she didn't get the chance to because my mom had-" he stops talking. "thank you Saabira, for telling me." He reaches out a hand. "Can I get the book back?" 

I look up at him with big eyes.

"Of course, yeah, here." I hand it to him, ignoring the slight physical intact from his hand to mine.

He stands up, taking a strong grip on the Quran. Without saying a word he walks out through the front door.

I wait... I watch... and I cry.