Painful Pleasures

Chapter 1

I will not cry...
I will not cry...
I will not--

I bite my lip as the tears I have been fighting for the past ten minutes finally spill out, rolling steady and fast down my face.
As the stupid events replays in my head, I try to take a deep breath but it comes out as a shudder...

'April, you should have seen this coming...'

I squeeze my eyes as tight as I can, but when I open them, it's not a bad dream. I'm still stuck in the same reality, crying for the same god-damn reason and still feeling every last bit of my heart shattering into a million pieces.

As I lean my head on the window, I watch dark clouds envelop every ray of sunshine and I feel the weather is being controlled by my emotions. The streets are empty with few people scurrying to get a taxi and it looks like the world has ended.

To me, it has.

Everything I thought I could live with, everything I was familiar with is gone.

"This stormy weather is coming up pretty fast." My taxi driver says as he glances at me through the rearview mirror.
As I stare at his watchful eyes, I wish I had his thoughts now, I wish that my biggest concern was stormy weather.

He looks at me again and I hate what I see in his eyes....Pity.

"You alright?" He asks and I look back outside the window to signal him I wasn't in the mood to talk.

He doesn't say another word and the drive goes on for another 20 minutes, all the while tears were streaming down my face.
The taxi finally made a turn at the Italian restaurant and headed down towards the university signboard

WINDERSTON COLLEGE.

"Is this alright?" The driver asks as the car moved to a halt directly in front of the school's premises where the front hedges are well carved and trimmed to spell out the school's name.

"It'll never be alright," I mutter, and immediately, the heavy downpour begins...loud and unmerciful.

"Miss?" questions the driver.

"My dorm is still ahead, just a few blocks down past the Starbucks cafe."

For a moment, I don't realize I'm speaking. The shriveling, scratchy whimper of words does not sound anything like the perky, excited voice this morning.
Squeezing my eyes shut, I try to block out the events that happened earlier but they still taunt me,
'Hey, Mrs. Davidson,  is Jay around?'
'Yes honey, but he just left to meet you at your house.'

"This is the place?"
The driver's voice pokes into my thoughts and shatters the rest of the terrible memory. Grabbing the overnight bag that I had earlier tossed to the far end of the taxi, I drop a 100 in the driver's hand and ignore the shocked expression on his face.
I had nothing to do with it now...

"Remember miss, after the storm comes the calm." He shouts to be heard over the rain as I walk already drenched to my dorm.
Thunder crashes immediately as if to disagree with him and I couldn't agree more. By the time I get to the building, I'm soaked to the bone with a clouded chest and painful thorns squeezing at my heart.

"I cannot find my roommate so I need another key to my room." A girl at the desk sign out says as she takes off her raincoat and drapes it over her arm.
The tips of her chin-length black hair are soaked when she turns over to me.
"You okay?" She says with so much concern that I want to burst into more tears but at the same time, I want to yell out of fury.
No, I'm not okay! I am not alright! I have been living a lie and no one cared to care.
And now I'm getting pity?