fragile [PREVIEW ONLY]

Chapter 11

When Theo said that, I felt like the air was sucked out of my lungs. I mean, here I was, overlooking the Pacific Ocean with the most popular and most attractive guy in school (not that I noticed or anything), and he just told me that he wants to escape from his life. What do you do with that information? How do you respond?

I watched him carefully, waiting for him to laugh or smile - to play it off as a joke - but he didn't. Instead, he turned back to look out over the ocean and leaned forward on his arms. His jaw was tight, the muscles beneath his chiseled face rippling with tension, as I studied him carefully. Clearly there was more to Theo than meets the eye, and I wasn't sure what to do about it.

Scribbling on the notepad, I held it out to him just as he turned and opened his mouth to speak.

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't ha--" he said, stopping to take the note from me.

Contrary to what you might think, I'm actually a good 'listener,' it said in hasty cursive.

He smiled, and - for the first time - it actually reached his eyes. I couldn't help but smile back at him, tucking a strand of loose hair behind my ear, while I watched his face carefully. I could see him deliberate, and I'm sure he weighed the pros and cons of telling me what was going on. We'd never had a conversation before, aside from Thursday, so the risks weren't huge for him.

Who was I going to tell?

Lifting his gaze to meet mine, I raised my hand flat to the center of my chest just below my neck and moved it in a clockwise motion a few times, signing to him out of habit. It was a simple gesture. As soon as I made it, I realized he probably had no idea what the hell I was saying, and I flushed pink.

Please, I wrote on the notebook, holding it up to him.

"Should we walk?" He asked, glancing around at the now-crowded Observation Deck. "Find someplace a bit more private?"

I nodded, beckoning him to follow me while I zipped my purse shut. Keeping the pencil and notebook in one hand, in case I needed it during our walk, I glanced at Theo and gave him a reassuring smile while I lead him away from the people and back onto the trail.

It made me nervous, walking with him. I'm not really used to walking around with other people, except for my family and other deaf people, and I was worried he'd try to start a conversation while I wasn't paying attention. It was easy for me to forget that people really enjoyed the 'walk and talk', because - for me - walking was so solitary. So peaceful.

Instead, I kept looking over at Theo every once in awhile to make sure he wasn't saying anything. I could always watch him while we walked, sure, but being deaf hasn't really helped my coordination that much. It's fairly common for people with hearing loss to have balance issues - at least 30% of deaf people fall into that boat with me, or so my doctor told me - and I really didn't want to increase the risk of a fall by taking my eyes off the path.

After a bit of walking, we came across some picnic tables off the side of the trail. The grass was overgrown around them, so much so that we couldn't really sit on the benches without being overwhelmed by it, but Theo still headed that way.

He turned to face me, offering up a hand, and said, "Sit on top?"

I smiled, accepting his help, and fought the urge to shiver when his warm hand closed around mine. He gripped my hand carefully, helping me keep my balance as I stepped up onto the bench before taking another step to the top of the table. Once I let go, his fingers trailing across my palm, I took a step toward the opposite side of the table and sat cross-legged on the top of it while he joined me.

Facing each other, I tucked my notebook and pencil between my legs before looking up at him. I wanted to do something, say something like 'go ahead', but I didn't want to rush him. So I waited, patiently, studying his face while he stared down at his hands.

"It's stupid," he finally spoke, lifting his eyes to meet mine. "I shouldn't even be telling you this."

I shook my head, shrugging my shoulders as if to say 'it's no big deal', before waiting for him to continue.

"There's just a lot of pressure on me right now," he admitted slowly. "Senior year. Track. Schoolwork. It's hard."

He hesitated, letting his gaze wander somewhere over my shoulder, before continuing, "There's so much noise. A lot of activity, and none of it is what I want. But it doesn't matter what I want, not really, because my life is all about meeting expectations. It always has been. My parents, my coaches, my friends...they all want me to be this guy, this version of Theo, and it's getting to the point that..."

Exhaling slowly, he gave me a forced smile, "I've been wearing this mask for so long that it feels like I've forgotten who I really am."

We sat in silence for awhile, and I stared at the wood of the picnic table as I ran my fingers along the grain. When I invited him to talk to me, I don't know what I was thinking. That he'd have some superficial problem. A college girl broke up with him. His mom wanted him to do some charity event. I didn't expect this.

Picking off a flake of green paint from the weathered picnic table, I grabbed my notebook from where it rested between my legs and flipped it back open to a fresh page. Theo now had one knee pulled up against his chest, his arm hooked around it casually while he surveyed the surrounding area.

I wrote a new note to him, chewing on my lip as I thought of what to say, before tapping his arm to get his attention. He turned back to me, his eyes no longer attempting to mask the weariness they contained, and accepted the notebook from me.

Who do you want to be?