Translation of Love

28

Vulnerable

When I finish re-telling my recollection of the past Taeyoung stays silent. I'm lying on my back, my eyes focused on the white ceiling above.

My body feels as numb as it did that day—my mind is also clouded by the memories.

"Sohee, have you talked about this with anyone?"

"No. Not until now." My voice is monotone, reflecting the darkness that is swirling in my mind.

I hear Taeyoung sigh beside me. "You shouldn't keep that inside for so long."

I don't say anything.

"I can tell that you've been avoiding it, but it's just going to be harder for you if you try to forget."

Just like my mom tried to forget Korea, and my father.

"I don't want to remember," my words are fragile as they leave my lips.

Silence. Then he moves his body so that he's closer to me, hand coming to hold the side of my face, pulling it to the side to face him.

"When I remember it just hurts, it's just a hole I can't begin to fill back up. It hurts, it hurts so much." Water flows from my tear ducts, rapidly falling down my cheeks, trying to get away from my eyes as fast as it can.

"Let it out baby, let all of that pain out."

He pulls me against him, my head burying in his chest. But I don't want to let it out, I had been doing so well this whole month. I was happy, I had smiled more than I have in a long time. I don't want to let the darkness seep in again.

I try to push him away, desperately forcing those tears to stop, trying my hardest to push that wall over my heart again so that I don't have to be sad again. But when I push against him he just holds me even tighter. When I punch him with my weak fists he caresses my hair, stroking it. When I raise my voice, do whatever I can to refuse his hold, to refuse those darkened feelings from being materialized, he continues to put up with me. Even at my most vulnerable, my ugliest, he is still here willing to do what's best for me, even if I can't see that myself.

And my feeble attempts to get away collapse, the warmth of his body and heart melting the cold ice surrounding my own.

So I listen to him and my heart, and I cry.

"That's it, don't hold back the pain. It'll feel better when you release it all."

"How could she leave me like that? She's the only one I had, and she just left me." I hug him back, whimpering against his shirt as the pain takes over momentarily.

"You know she didn't want to leave you. You know if she could she would still be here." His hands rub circles on my quaking back, his words softly reaching my ringing ears.

"Then life—the universe is so so cruel," these words leave a bitter taste in my mouth as my face contorts in pain. It's really not fair.

"The universe is really mean sometimes." His hand now comes to stroke through my hair rhythmically. My crying slowly fades into sniffles. "If you want I can go talk to it," he suddenly says.

I finally look up at him. "What?"

"The universe. I'll go have a talk with it and demand an apology for sucking so much."