Translation of Love

35

Vulnerability

All I can focus on is my heartbeat.

It's all I can hear, as it pulses through my body and echoes in my ears.

It's all I can feel, as blood pumps through me heavily like liquid steel.

Everything else has grown so limp that I feel like I could sink through the sheets and bed, straight through to the floor. So heavy, my bones and muscles laden with intense relaxation—a feeling I haven't felt before.

But then my heartbeat steadies and softens in my ears, allowing for my inner thoughts to grow louder. Allowing for the memory of what just happened to replay in my mind and make me feel hot again.

"Are you okay baby? Do you want more water?" Taeyoung asks this for the third time now.

I shake my head, unable to turn and look at him yet. Unable to because he just saw me at my most vulnerable, physically and mentally.

Thinking about it takes my breath away. I never really knew what to expect when it came to losing my virginity. After high school, I kind of lost the teenaged mystical fantasy about it all. Maybe because I waited so long, longer than any of my friends back home. I just never found the right guy, and was never able to let myself be vulnerable to just anybody. Because of this, the wait rendered the whole idea of sex as relatively unimportant.

What did I expect? I really don't know. So many people have explained their first times to me, many warning me that it wouldn't be magical like we all believed as young teens. And they were right. There's no sudden life-changing epiphany that strikes in the midst of it all. No change of character or metamorphosis of your personality. I don't feel any more confident than I did before. I don't even think I'm glowing, as some people apparently believe happens right after.

It did hurt, and I expected as much—Taeyoung warned me numerous times before it happened, so there was no way I could be surprised. But it didn't hurt as much as I thought. It was a weird sting, but the feeling was overwhelmed by what felt like thousands of new sensations within seconds. After the fact, I'm admittedly a bit hesitant to move, just because it slightly hurts each time I do, but it's bearable.

However, clearly none of this is the reason why my heart is beating so loudly even ten minutes after it all.

It was him. It was me. Seeing a part of me I haven't ever witnessed before. Being so irrevocably vulnerable in body and soul that it terrified me. But that fear was only soothed by his presence.

It was shocking to see how my body responded so unlike itself, even before anything really began. It was like some button was clicked on, rendering every single touch absolutely marvellous. Every soft trace of his fingers on my skin, every deep kiss that my mouth seemed to crave more than ever before, every feeling of his body on mine. Every little thing made me feel like I was losing myself. And it was terrifying.

I don't like opening up to people in any way. I never have, and it was one reason why my mother's passing was so devastating. She was the only one I could let my guard down with completely. I'm utterly floored by how little time it took for this man to reach that same level of trust.

Because here I am beside him, in all my nakedness, with a dull pain between my legs. And I'm not ashamed, not scared, not feeling any regret or relief that it's over like many of my friends told me they did. Instead, I feel like I'm melting. Like I've lost every ounce of stress and tension weighing my body and mind down.

And it's simply because I feel safe now. He makes me feel safe to be me; a human I can reveal myself to completely and know he won't run away scared.