It has been a long time since I have felt this way. Since I have felt happy. It feels like an ice cold glass of water during an Indian summer. Like getting your first pay check in your new job. Like the sun shining down on you after the clouds have finally cleared.
Happiness. An almost foreign feeling to me.
But, even with a goofy grin on my face and my heart pounding in my chest, I can’t help but feel doubt creeping itself into my mind. The demon that constantly nags at the back of my mind and reminds me of all the bad things about myself, my past, my future.
Doubt. Something I had grown accustomed to.
And there is a war raging on in my mind between the two. The happiness of being reunited with my first love, breaking down my defenses, opening up about my past, and finally accepting that the world does not rest on my shoulders. But, I can’t help but doubt my teetering relationship with Adam; that being honest about my past could hurt many people and open festering wounds -the idea that I should feel guilty about my role in my brother’s death and my failed relationships.
It is a tug of war, and I may never know the winner.
After waking up to Adam trying to kiss my scars away, I thought that I had been resurrected. That he metaphorically banished my demons and that I am now free to live my life as I was always meant to.
But, then I climbed back through my window and saw my family pictures and remembered that I am not normal; that I can never live my life as freely as I want to because I am carrying around a ball and chain. And that ball and chain goes by the name of Guilt.
There was a brief grace period where my guilt had taken a backseat to the issue of Adam. But, now that Adam and I have –somewhat- resolved our issues. That guilt has only increased.
How dare I be happy after all I had done? How dare I sleep with Adam after ruining our relationship in the first place? How dare I be with Adam when he was the one that drove me to call Charlie? Why should I be happy when Charlie died because I couldn’t be bothered to save him?
My guilt is a real bitch and no matter how many times I try to bury it underneath my bliss, it always seems to pop back up when I least expect it. But, no matter how unyielding the feeling is, I refuse to let it control my life.
So, despite all of these crushing thoughts, I woke up this morning with an idiotic smile on my face and a spring in my step. Even Cynthia noticed and made a slightly less snide remark than usual about my giddiness and then asking, suspiciously, if it was because of drugs. And instead of being my usual bitch back to her, I just laughed it off before I got the urge to strangle her.
On the ride to school I only think about things I look forward to; seeing Adam, talking to Jenna, and being away from home. I wouldn’t even think about talking to Tanner, or Brock, or any rumors that would have started by now…
Thinking positively is harder than it seems.
For good reason it seems, because the minute that I park my bike in the parking lot it’s like I can hear the gossip mill turning. A sea of students litter the front steps of the school; surrounding the lawn and stoner pit, all turning to face me as I set my helmet on the seat and start to trek through the throngs of people.
I hear a mixture of, “Cemetery,” “Adam totally beat him up,” “Tanner threatened to kill him,” and –my favorite- “Annette screwed both of them.” I am astounded at how false these accusations are and roll my eyes at how “high-school” my high school actually is.
JE LEEST
Yin & Yang
Romantiek*Trailer on the side* Annette and Adam have always been close; first as friends, then as lovers. But growing up means growing apart and they find themselves hanging on by a thread. That thread is severely snapped by one mistake and by one phone call...
