Flower Child

Chapter Thrity Four

   I step into the room, standing directly in the center of it. The adrenaline pumps through my veins, my heart begins to speed up. It's a matter of moments before the test will begin, and I anxiously wait for the scene around me to change.
The palms of my hands begin to sweat, it's almost time. Beneath my feet the gray concrete turns to white tile, I've lived through it enough times to know what's about to happen.
Beep... beep... beep...
   The scene is the same as always but it still causes my heart to clench in pain. The blinding white is enough to make my eyes burn and water.
"I'm sorry." The voices, always there, always apologizing like it'll bring him back. "I'm sorry for your loss."
I look at the bed, Elijah Snow, my father lays there, his chest still. Tears burn my eyes worse than the white lights. They stream down my face as my breathing becomes heavy.
Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep.
He's gone, he's in the nothingness, the burning white, and there is nothing I can do to stop it.
Beepbeep. Beepbeep. Beepbeep.
He fades away into that nothingness like in Lauren's fear and the sob leaps from my lips before I can think to stop it.
Beepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeep.
I can't bring him back, I can't get rid of the white, so all I have left to do is calm down.
I walk to the bed, running my fingers along the name on the edge of the bed.
Beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep.
It's cold, freezing actually, it sends a deep ache up my arm and through my bones.
Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep
I crawl into the bed and curl up on it, my hands gripping the cold fabric, my face buried in the pillow that smells like paint and soil.
Beep... Beep... Beep... Beep... Beep...
My tears darken the white sheets, only slightly, but it's enough.
The white turns to darkness and I no longer lay on a bed but on a cold metal surface. I push myself to my feet and look around, I know this next one all to well.
   Blue light shines down on me, slowly lighting up my surroundings. I'm in the training room, inside a glass box. In front of me, is the same row of people as always, but, this time, they are facing me, I can see their faces and their eyes. Every other time they have faced away, never revealing who they are before they are already dead and their eyes fall upon me, cold, lifeless. Now, I can see the fear, the tears in their eyes as they await their deaths.
   Tobias is at the end still, his eyes are still alive, and they look at me with nothing but love in them. He is not scared of dying, as long as I am safe.
   The man comes into focus, his face blurred and just out of reach. The gun glints in the light and the water starts to rise. I hit the glass with the palm of my hand as he raises the gun to Tris's head. Her eyes a wide and scared, she pleads with me to save her but I'm trapped. He pulls the trigger and her eyes are lifeless.
   "No!" I scream.
   The water is rising quicker now, almost as if fueled by my terror, it probably is and yet I can't find it in me to care. The man moves on, his gun raised to Uriah's temple.
   "Please!" I scream, "Please stop!"
   I can't hear the gun when it goes off again, only my sob.
Mor, this isn't real. I plead with myself. Figure away out of this.
   Marlene falls next to Uriah, Lynn is screaming when she falls too. I slam my fist into the glass as I scream for them. It holds firm, not even a crack.
   Think, Mor! I rack my brain for anything, anyway out of this and suddenly it hits me. The weak point of a pane of glass is the edges, the center is the strongest point, hitting it there will do nothing.
   The next scream is from Celeste as she grips onto my brother's hand tightly. I turn my body and slam my elbow into the side of the glass. As it hits, the gun echoes out and Celeste's screams stop. I hit it again even harder and a small crack splinters through the glass. The water is at my waist.
   Break god damn it, break! I plead, hitting it again.
Taylor cries out as the gun goes off again, he falls next to Celeste and they stare at me with lifeless eyes. My mom sobs and she begs for them to come back. Instead, the man shoots her.
"Mama!"
I slam my elbow into the glass again and the crack widens. The man moves on and Tobias's smiles sadly at me, it's ok, he mouths. The gun goes off and his eyes burn into me, gone. I scream as I send my fist towards the glass, my body turning to fuel the punch.
   The glass shatters beneath my fist and the water drags me out, I expect the fear to end but it doesn't and I know why instantly. I'm scared of not being able to protect my friends, to make this stop, I have to avenge them.
   The water disappears and I jump to my feet. The man has the gun pointed at me but I don't care. I launch myself at him, my arms outstretched and a battle cry on my lips. The gun rings out and I feel a pain blossom in my chest but I don't care, because I'm not dying till he pays for what he has done.
   My fingers wrap around the barrel of the hot gun and the scene changes. The gun, the same one that killed my friends, now rests heavily in my hands and I know what's next.
I look up and my mother's eyes bore into my own. Taylor sits to her right and Celeste is on her left and on the left of her, is Tobias. They all stare at me, their eyes wide and scared, yet full of understanding. His eyes search mine, they plead with me, not to spare him, but to save myself.
"Shoot them," the voice whispers in my ear, "shoot them, Mor."
I shake my head, "I can't."
"Don't you want to be Dauntless?" the voice asks.
The gun is so cold that it burns my palm, "Don't make me do this."
My mother shakes her head, "It's ok, my little wildfire, we understand."
The tears that started with my father and continued with the death of my friends run down my face.
"Shoot them!" the voice shouts.
Celeste nods her head, her voice breaking as tears stream down her face, "It's ok, Mor. It's ok."
"We love you," Taylor says, his voice strong even though I can tell he's absolutely terrified, "and we will always love you, no matter what."
"Please don't do this," I sob, "please!"
I raise the gun up against my own will. This isn't real, this isn't real. You can do this. You can do this.
"Mor," his voice rings out, "do it, please. We'll be ok. You'll be ok."
I stare into his eyes, the deep blue. I know it's fake, I know it, but it feels so real. Those eyes, I've had to live through his death, all of their deaths so many times, but I can't do it again.
"Shoot them!"
Like I've done so many times in the past, I turn the gun and press it to my temple, squeezing the trigger.
I hear my mother's scream before the world goes dark.