Requiem for a Soldier (Requiem #1)

Chapter 40: Turning Point

October 18

Ryan

I look out the door of the shed to see that the dismal grey clouds filling the sky have finally begun to precipitate. A dreary rain taps out a muted, doleful rhythm on the roof of the shed. The wind blows a cold shiver through the trees.

The weather matches my mood perfectly.

Last week, I almost kissed Ana. For some reason, that's messing me up more than any kiss ever has.

Once upon a time, kissing a girl wouldn't have merited a second thought. Once upon a time, I was considered a catch. I was popular, handsome, and wealthy - the three things all the girls I used to know wanted in a man. Now I'm none of those things. I have no friends, unless you count Ana. Anyone who catches a glimpse of my face can see I'm now more off-putting than I ever was handsome. I suppose I've still got access to the same deep pockets, but the affluent lifestyle of my family is so far removed from anything I want now.

Suddenly, an idea dawns on me. With all the money I have access too, I could persuade Ana to love me. Women have been enticed to love thoroughly unattractive men for their fortunes throughout history. But just as quickly as the idea pops into my head, I want to vomit for even considering it, for however brief a time. I know Ana's not that kind of woman. And I would never want to be that kind of man. The fact that I entertained the idea for a split second makes me realize just how desperate I am.

I like her. I really, really like her. I can finally admit that to myself now. I've probably liked her as more than friends for months now. I like spending time with her way more than I should and when I'm away from her, I'm just looking forward to seeing her again. And I've been dreaming about her.

Do I love her?

I turn away from the shed door and busy myself reorganizing the shelves. That's not a question I want to ask myself. I'm afraid of what the answer might be. I'm afraid that I might be on the verge of falling in love with her.

It's not that loving her would be bad. She's amazing. She's smart, and funny, and understanding, and kind, and undeniably beautiful, and...

I throw a wrench at the ground a little harder than I meant to. Chest heaving in frustration, I look through the shed door to the wall of the cabin. In my mind's eye, I can see Ana sitting there in the living room, probably playing with Casper or reading a book or rocking out to music, completely oblivious to my suffering. She has to be. I can't let her know how much her smile makes my heart soar, or how much her clumsy antics make me want to grab her and kiss her...

Now I'm feeling like throwing another wrench. Why can't I get this girl out of my head? No woman has ever attracted my interest for so long without any reciprocation. I didn't know it was possible for me to pine after someone for such a pathetically long time. As much as I try to ignore these feelings, they keep coming up to the surface time and time again.

It's gotten to the point where being in her presence is painful. There's so much I'm feeling that I can't say and so much I want that I can't have. Ever since I almost kissed her in the greenhouse, I've been avoiding her. I know. It's a new low for me.

I'd spend all day at the river, but with the weather turning and the days getting shorter, that's becoming a more risky option. I don't know how I'm going to survive the winter.

I pick up the wrench and set it back where I'd grabbed it from. What am I even doing? I already organized this workbench yesterday. I sit down on the rough floorboards of the shed and bury my hands in my hair.

I'm going insane.

~~~

I sit bolt upright, trying to swallow the shouts in my throat. I try to remember what's reality and what was only the dream. I just saw Ana shot to death in front of me. I get up and walk over to her door. The light is on underneath. She must be in there and ok. That wasn't real.