Wicked Love | √

Thirty

IT'S weird, but I'm happy. Like truly and utterly happy for the first time in so long that it almost feels like a brand new emotion to me. I feel lighter and not as weighed down with the past almost, it still lingers but it's bearable now, and I honestly never want to stop the giddiness running through me. I never want to stop smiling.

The date last night was everything I needed to start that journey of moving forward with Preston.

I won't lie and say last night was easy. It was far from easy to ask those questions, and it wasn't any better hearing the answers from Preston either. But I needed to ask, and we needed to start this conversation. The conversation is still far from over, but to begin it meant a lot to me.

And he didn't shy away from my questions no matter how uncomfortable they made him. He didn't lie or try to make excuses. No matter how detestable I find his past actions, he owned up to them without hesitation. I could see the remorse clear as day in his eyes. I could see how much he wished he could change his past, change it for me. But for some reason I worry that without all those past mistakes, no matter how much I hate them, that we would've never found each other.

He wants to make us work no matter the sordid past and uncertain future we hold, and I do also.

We might not work. Who knows what the future holds? But we both believe in each other enough to try.

Preston didn't make any moves on me last night besides holding my hand and it made my heart skip a beat at how easy he can look at me, see me, and understand my boundaries without making me say a single word.

Even though it makes me undeniably nervous at how clearly he can read me it also makes me thankful. I'm not the best with words. I struggle to say how I really feel and share my vulnerable side with people.

But with Preston I don't have to stumble through my words. He sees me. He understands me. It should scare me, but it also brings me a level of comfort I don't quite understand. And for once I'm okay with not knowing. I'm okay being lost in the confusing feelings I have for that man.

Because they make me happy.

We have a long way to go. I know that. But for now I'm letting myself feel and bask in this newfound feeling.

But the excitement buzzing in my veins quickly settles and turns into something resembling trepidation as I step through the threshold of my family home.

My spirits begin to instantly lower and it makes my hands fist at my sides. I've been so happy all day, and now...now it's all fading and I want to run away from this house to go and chase that wonderful feeling back down.

I wasn't going to come to Sunday dinner, especially after everything that went down last week. But my father texted me telling me to come and meet with him. I didn't want to. But I didn't want to make my life anymore complicated than it already is so I decided to just come. I have already decided I am not staying for dinner.

And if he pisses me off I will just leave. I don't need his threats when I still have Lawrence's words fresh on my mind.

I make my way towards my father's study when my mother comes out of another downstairs room pausing me in my tracks.

"Hi," I call out a bit awkwardly since the last time she saw me I was running from the dining room with Aiden after her husband called me a whore.

She's perfectly dressed for dinner without a hair out of a place and her makeup impeccable. She never wants to give my father a reason to call her out or tear her down.

"Hi," she says with a soft, almost nervous smile. "Are you staying for dinner?" I can see the hope in her eyes and I don't want to crush it, but I also need some time away from my parents and our weekly dinners.