Band On The Run

Big Me

That morning I awoke with words from a poem in my head. I could not remember where I heard it, but I had no questions from whom. It was a French poem, and I could only remember the first line in rough translation.

You speak to me from the depths of a dream.

Running my hands over my face, I turned to where Nick had been sleeping the night before.

There was no one there, just a twisted amount of the blankets where he'd been.

With a sigh, I dropped my head tiredly onto the pillow.

I didn't want to treat Nicholas like this; it made me feel sick to the very pit of my stomach. But sometimes you just can't change how you feel.

And I knew I loved him, I really did. Without him over the past years, I have no doubt I would have gone mad inside my own head, losing myself bitterly from inside. But all the sudden, everyone had decided that I'd had enough time to get over my past and it was time I began to talk about it. Well, news flash, I wasn't ready yet.

Another quote sounded in my head, but this time it was from another musician. Bjork had said, "There's no map to human behavior." She was completely right. No one had a right to judge where I was in my path to healing from this except me, but that didn't give me the right to treat a boy who had never been anything but kind, supportive and loving to me with nothing but the bitterness that seeped from the past.

I just still don't understand how everyone else had given each other up so easily.

Standing up, I headed to the suitcases slowly in the corner of the room, getting dressed for the day with a weighing mind.

All the time my mind was on Nick. When did he leave last night? Would he show up to the recording studio today? What would I do without him? He was the only thing that even kept my remotely connected to other human beings these days. If it wasn't for him and the connection I received from crowds when I performed, I'd be lost. There was no doubt.

When had I become so dependent on another person? I used to pride myself on being independent. But when had I ever even been on my own? Sure, there had been a space of ten months between my first boyfriend and then Seth, but I'd been so in love with Seth for some time before we'd ever been together. And then there was the gap of a year and half or so after The Spares had broken up before I'd started talking to Nick, soon afterwards we'd begun our relationship. I'd never really been on my own...

Now it felt worse than being hungover. I didn't even want to look in the mirror to see how sunken my eyes looked at the moment; I didn't need to see the steady deterioration of myself, at least not physically. I could feel it mentally and it seemed like there was nothing anymore, not even Nick who had helped so much, that could save me. And I hated myself, the way I was treating those people around me and I hated everyone from my past for doing this to me. So much.

Dragging my tangled hair up into a messy bun on the top of my head, I gathered myself, pulling on the strands of strength that I had left and let out a deep breath.

Time to face another day, I thought, walking through the bedroom door.

I'd thought I'd feel better once I was back in New York, sleeping solidly in the same place with Nick to keep me centered. But I couldn't help but realize that I was better off on those one night stands with hotel rooms, travelling the world and performing every night. Nothing was ever going to steal my passion for music or performing, and that seemed like the only time I ever felt vibrant and alive anymore.

So maybe I'd be better off if I just stayed touring forever. My song writing wasn't coming easy anymore; I just wasn't getting anything creatively sound. Maybe I could just tour these last two albums until the end of my days, it would solve everything. Sure, I'd feel horrible as always when I woke in the morning, but it'd be pushed to the wayside while I performed when I was able to be happy. I'd just never have to deal with a problem again, just tour.