Learning to Love (Lesbian Story)

Chapter 21

Slowly but surely dinner was over, the kids got bathed and put to bed. Now Christina and I were finishing up the dishes together. Here we go.

“So Kaliya, have you thought about it?” Christina said as I put some plates up in the cabinet. I was so glad I was looking away from her, because right my face probably looked hella confused, and doubtful.

“Um well.” I said.

“No look at me.” Christina said putting her hand on my shoulder. Fuck!

“Umm can we discuss this over a glass of wine perhaps?” I said nervously.

“We can do that. Whatever.” Christina said. I gulped the air. I think I’ll need something just a little bit heavier than wine. I don’t even know why I bought wine, like I should just buy straight liquor. Fuck all this bougy shit.

I grabbed two glasses from the cabinet, and Christina got the wine. We both took a seat on the couch.

She poured the wine, and I was looking all over the room like something could give me answers.

“Your wine.” Christina said getting my attention.

“Thanks.” I said.

“Why you so tense?” Christina said.

I gulped my wine down. This shit wasn’t helping not one little bit.

“Umm I’m not tense. Tired but not tense.” I said.

“So what’s it gonna be?” Christina said looking at me. She was looking at me like she was just daring me to say no.

“Well Christina it’s just like I umm I was thinking and I was wondering. Are you ya know sure you want me to come cause I’m not real good with people, and the kids, and. . . . . “

“And the moon, the sun, and the stars, and the sky. Kaliya what is your problem?” Christina said cutting me off. I was taken aback, it was about to get real. I think I was irritating her. I’m fucking up big time tonight. And there ain’t no Jack Daniels’ in sight. Damn!

“My problem? What are you talking about? I don’t understand.” I said.

“You’re coming with every single excuse not to meet my family. I wanna know why.” Christina said sharply.

I cleared my throat.

“I’m not good with people. That’s all.” I said simply.

“No it runs deeper than that Kaliya. I know. It has to. Because through this whole relationship you have hesitated about everything. You always have second thoughts. Sometime you don’t say it, but I see through you. But you always go with whatever, even if you don’t trust it, because you seem to trust me. You’re always having second thoughts, and you’re always holding back. I have to break down wall after wall, after wall just to get a peek of how you truly feel. You keep yourself so guarded Kaliya, and it’s wearing me down. I don’t know what I have to do to get you to see that I’m here for you. I am right here, and I’m not leaving.” Christina said.

Here we go with this shit. This some bullshit. I shook my head and exhaled loudly. Am I really that fucked up? It’s just nobody ever wanted to know how I felt. Nobody ever asked. Well maybe they did, and I was just so unraveled in my own damn emotions. I couldn’t bring myself together enough to actually tell them. Or maybe I just feel like it’s weak shit, to go around telling the world how you feel. Cause in the end it seems like nobody really gives a fuck. So you really just wasting time.

I’m guarded cause shit I don’t know how else to be. I mean if you get hit enough, soon you’re gonna be bracing yourself for the next blow. When I do open up to people, they look at me different. I’m a tough talking, loud mouth, bitter ass, stone cold brokenhearted motherfucker. This is who I have portrayed myself as to people. So people see me and they instantly don’t fuck wit me, stray away from me. And for years I got comfortable with that. I got comfortable with keeping people at bay.