Here To Stay

Only To Me

     It’s been three weeks since that day.

   Now everytime I see Kakashi my heart beats out of my chest.

    Since then I’ve been self-conscious as fuck and I can’t focus whenever he’s around.

    Which is like all the time.

    He’s friendly with the others. Patting their shoulders or complimenting their work.

    He’s not the best teacher but he’s a good team leader.

    But no matter how much time we all spend together, Kakashi seems to always be at a distance.

    Only to me! 

    He doesn’t patt my shoulder or compliment or even look at me!

    It’s like his personality towards me did a complete one-eighty.

    My heart squeezes painfully whenever he gets all friendly with the others but pretends I’m not there.

    Sure, as a teacher he pays equal attention.

    But as a friend he only pays attention to the others! 

     Frankly it’s quite mean.

     He must really not like me to act like that.

    But I don’t know what I did!

     Everything was fine, if a little odd, but we got along fine before!

     I was thrown out of my thoughts as a kunai was thrown past my face, barely missing my cheek.

     It’s speed causing a gust of wind that froze my bones.

     There was a clank as the kunai hit the ground.

    I flaired back in surprise, tripping over a rock and falling to the ground.

    ‘Well that wasn’t very ninja like.’

    I rolled my eyes at the thought before looking up. 

    I stared up in utter horror as the one who threw the kunai was none other than my very own sensei.

    Hatake Kakashi.

    I figured he didn’t like me but to hate me so much he threw knives at me!

    That’s cold, even for him with his rejection and isolation. 

   “What the hell man!” I yelled in pain,  my heart was being crushed and I could feel an onslaught of tears building in my throat.

   Why did he have to go so far?

   “This is just cruel!” I stood up angrily and attempted to stomp up to him,

   “Hiding out in this stupid ally! Were you waiting to attack-”

   I was cut off as another kunai landed where my next step was going to be.

   That’s when I finally noticed that something was wrong.

    He was tense, body strung up like strained thread, ready to snap. His eye was glazed over in panic, distant like he wasn’t even here. 

    The kunai was a warning, ‘Stay Away.’

    This wasn’t Kakashi.

    This was someone having a sort of panic attack.

    A shinobi forgetting where he is, who everyone is, stuck in a memory, full of destress.

    I’ve read about it, about what it’s like to be stuck like that.

    I’ve witnessed it too, in my old apartment.  

     “Kakashi-Sensei, it’s me, (Y/N).” I talked slowly, carefully.

   Right now this wasn’t my sensei, this was a terrified man, pushed into a corner of fear.

     One wrong move and he’ll attack.

    Slowly I raised my hands as a sign of surrender. 

    “Kakashi-Sensei, I’m your student, I don’t mean any harm. May I come closer?”

    I didn’t get a response, but I stepped forward anyway.

    Just a tiny shuffle to test the waters.

   Kakashi tensed more but didn't move. Which was a good sign.

    “I’m going to step closer.” I said and waited a beat before proceeding.

   I walked closer, waiting a few seconds before each step. Soon I was standing in front of him.

     He stared down at me, eyes unfocused.

     “I’m going to touch you now.”

    Slowly I brought my hand to his arm. He stiffened but as I massaged his arm he slowly relaxed to his original tense state of panic. I moved my hand up his shoulder, waiting there before moving my other hand up to his chest.

    I squeezed his shoulder as I said, “Kakashi-Sensei, I don’t know what you’re thinking. But you need to come back. I need you to come back. Kakashi-Sensei look at me.”

    I demanded softly but firmly as I moved my hands to his face, cupping his cheeks and lightly tugging him down.

    I stepped closer and leaned up so that I could be at the center of his vision.

    Kakashi’s eye seemed to zero in on my face, but his eye was still glazed over.

    “Kakashi-Sensei remember where you are, who you’re with right now.”

    There was silence before a shaky voice broke through the barrier he created. 

    “(Y/N).” He stuttered, it was spoken in uncertainty, but he was coming back. 

       “Yes that’s right, it’s (Y/N). Kakashi-Sensei. I’m right here.” 

       “(Y/N).” This time he spoke stronger, no longer a whisper. 

      “That’s right. Remember Kakashi-Sensei.” 

       “(Y/N).” He spoke firmly and almost desperately. He was trying to ground himself.

      “(Y/N)!”

      Suddenly his eye widened and he stepped back. Surprise leaking into his voice, taking over his former desperation.

        I smiled and nodded. 

    “You're finally back!”

    I beamed up at him, glad he’s no longer endangering anyone.

      “I’m glad you’re ok!”