Playing For Keeps

30. Tell Me It Was Real

Phana, Beam, and Kit were all in Phana's room and were supposed to be studying. But Kit was too busy staring into space and twirling his pencil, and Phana and Beam were doing any and everything to try to get his attention. When Beam made a particularly annoying comment about Kit's height and got no reaction, Phana had had enough.

"Alright, Kit. Something is going on with you, now speak." He slammed his textbook closed.

Kit jumped in surprise. "What do you mean?"

"Beam has been making rude comments to you for the past ten minutes and you haven't reacted even once."

Beam nodded his head in agreement.

"What's going on? You've been like this for days now." Phana softened his tone.

Kit turned back towards the window and all he could do was shake his head. If he tried to speak, that weird tightness would take over his throat and cut off his voice. That same tightness that only came right before he was about to cry, and there was no way he was going to cry in front of his friends.

"Ai'Kit," It was Beam speaking now. "Come on...we're brothers. You know you can talk to us."

Kit knew Beam was right. And he actually wanted to tell to them. But once again, he couldn't put his thoughts into words and any time he was about to open his mouth, the tightness would force him to be silent.

"Is it Ming?" Phana asked quietly.

Kit swallowed at the sound of Ming's name and gave a quick nod.

"What happened? Do we need to go punch him in his face?" Beam sat up in his chair.

Kit had to chuckle at that. He knew he could count on his friends. No matter what, they had his back even if they didn't really know what was going on.

"No." Kit finally turned to face them again. "It's not even his fault."

"What's not his fault?" Phana asked.

"That we're not speaking."

There was a moment of silence between the three of them as Kit looked like he was thinking. Beam glanced at Phana and they shared a look. Both waited for Kit to be the one to speak first.

"Ai'Pha...didn't it feel strange to you when you first had feelings for Nong'Yo?" Kit turned to look at him and Phana recognized all the inner turmoil Kit was going through right now.

Kit wasn't really sure why he even asked the question. He knew for a fact that it was hard for Phana because he and Beam had been right there with him through it all. Through the denial, the confusion, the bullying, then ultimately, the acceptance. But for some reason he just wanted to hear Phana say it so that he could know that he wasn't alone and that he wasn't crazy.

"Of course it felt strange." Phana smiled a little as he thought back. "I felt like my feelings were wrong, that everyone would find me disgusting, and that I would never have a chance with him anyway."

"What changed for you then?"

Phana thought for a moment. "I realized that I liked him too much and that I didn't want anyone else." Then he rolled his eyes. "I mean...the both of you have already seen me cry over the kid. If I'm crying over him, then he's worth pursuing."

Beam snickered and nudged Phana with his elbow. Kit fell silent again. When Phana and Beam noticed his thoughtful expression they both fell quiet too.

"You pushed him away...didn't you?" Beam asked. He didn't ask it in an accusatory manner but the question still made Kit's stomach clench and his jaw tighten because it was true. Everything he had done had ultimately pushed Ming away.