my words to you

january 5, 2015

I read a quote once a while ago. it read "if your not over them within 3 months, it's true love."
at first I thought, "hell I could get over anyone in less than two weeks." but that was until I met you.
it's been a year and two months and I still find myself struggling to ignore that sharp pain in my chest every time I see you. it's like I'm home and I think, "I'm over her, all feelings are completely g o n e." but once I get to school, your there and I see you and it's like a slap in the face.
I try so fucking hard to not look at you, but it's like if I don't look at you I might fall apart. but how can you fall apart if your already in pieces right? that's what I am. that's what I'm left with. I'm just pieces of what I use to be before you mattered so much to me. I'm not whole. I honestly don't think I ever will be again. because when you came you added some pieces to my puzzle. pieces I was so longing to find. while you were here you changed some pieces that didn't make sense or fixed pieces to make them fit. but now that your gone you took those pieces and then some. now I'm an unfinished puzzle. and I don't think anyone else could fit me better than you did.
don't get me wrong, we weren't perfect. oh god, never that. we fought, and argued like a married couple would. we disagreed on more things than agreed. we got easily jealous over each other. you got mad at me pretty much everyday over things that seem so stupid to get mad over. we did things to make each other furious. we ignored each other because both of us were too hard headed to just accept blame or whatever the reason. I walked away and wouldn't deal with things until I'm to my breaking point. and you wouldn't talk about things that bothered you. and when you did, I'd get mad at you for feeling the way you did.
when you see all the things that went wrong, you think "well if it was that bad why do you miss her so much?"
it wasn't all bad. when it was good, it was really good. we'd spend everyday together over summer. I'd go to her house at 11 am and not leave till 5 or 6. we did the typical couple things like make cake and put it on each others face. she would always lick it off my face and laugh and then do it again just so she could lick my face again. we would lay on the couch and watch her favorite musicals. which always seemed to be Cats. if not musicals then we would watch whatever was on tv and cuddle. -this one time she laid on top of me and fell asleep. it was relaxing so I fell asleep as well. we woke up 30 minutes later and just smiled. in that moment I felt true happiness.- we would go swimming and we would try to dunk each other. I'd always lose of course. or she'd knock me off of the float, or some other way to show she was flirting. some of my favorite things she did was when she hugged me she would squeeze me tight, so tight I couldn't breathe till she let go. or she would put her hands on my waist and pull me close to kiss her. she would kiss my cheek and smile at me because she knew I loved that. or other times she would bite me on random places or put her hand on my thigh. that's one of the things I loved about her. she always wanted to touch me in some way. whether it be our feet or legs or hands, it was just comforting to me to be so close to her. I also loved the fact that she always wanted to be near me. in class or just hanging around friends, if I wasn't next to her or she wasn't to me, she would call me over to her. or you said cute but cheesy things to me that meant so much. -one night over summer we went to see the fault in our stars and after the movie was over and we regained ourselves, she looked me in the eyes, held me in her arms and said "I'm your Augustus waters if your my hazel grace."- but you see, it wasn't all bad all the time. it was exactly how you expect love to be. good, bad, and worth it.