my words to you

january 8th 2015

I feel like the worlds biggest asshole for even giving you the time of day, let alone knowing that I'll never be over you. at least I'll never be fully over you.
why do I feel like an asshole?
because.... this girl. she's been in love with me since we first dated sophomore year. she's a year younger than me. she's, honest to god, the definition of a perfect person. she disagrees with me but she doesn't see what I see.
I see this person who will love you regardless if your smart or, in my case, kinda slow. she will love you even if you make the stupidest jokes. even if you hurt her more than once, she will still love you even if it's not even logical to love you again. even if you don't deserve it, she will love you. she sees true beauty in this world. she doesn't just go through the world living her life, she observes the world around her. you can tell she feels such strong emotion. she appreciates REAL music. not rap, or jay-z, or rich homie quan. she listens to real true music like Michael Jackson, Amy whinehouse, John Mayer, 21 pilots, hozier, queen, ect. she listens to people who actually have meaning to their music other than just smoking weed, getting bitches and money. and on top of all that, she's so intelligent. she is so smart even if she doesn't show it, you just know she is. you know she's smarter than you, but you just simply don't care.
all in all, she's just this really sweet person who wants nothing more in this world is to have someone love her and to love them.

and I don't feel like I can give her the love she truly wants me to. I don't feel like I can love her the way she loves me. believe me, I want to. I want to give her the love she deserves, and I owe it to her for what I've done to her. but knowing where my heart really lies, and how I feel towards my ex, I don't think I can.

and I feel like shit for it. here I have this girl who wants nothing more in the world than to simply love me and be happy with me and give me the world. but I'm so fucking hooked on to my ex, I just can't find myself to love anyone else but her. I've tried. I've really tried. I burned all the things she gave me, I've deleted her number more than once, I've stopped talking to her, I even told her to leave me alone to forget about me and forget what we had. but every single fucking time I think I'm over her, something reminds me of her or I see her or something smells like her cologne, or something looks like her and this rush of pain just sweeps over me from my heart to my stomach down to my legs. every time I just want to fall to the floor and scream and cry until I can't anymore from lack of oxygen. but at the same time, I want to hug her and feel her arms around me again and for once since she left me, I want to feel whole again. I want to feel her kiss and having that sensation of breathless enjoyment and security. I want to feel that love that we had again. I want it more than I even want to live. what's the point of living if I don't have a reason to wake up in the morning anymore?

it hurts, it fucking hurts everywhere. and it's not like the pain you would get from a burn or scraping your knee or stubbing your toe. it's this aweful tightening feeling in my chest and stomach. then a rush of chills over my body and by then I just collapse and cry. I cry and cry and cry until I don't even make a noise anymore because all the air has left my lungs. my eyes and face are all red and blotchy, my stomach hurts from the constant clenching and relaxing. and then you just sort of lay there and think about how hard your crying over this person and it just starts all over again.
all my life I wanted to feel real love, but never did I think losing it, would feel as aweful as this. I wouldn't even wish it on my worst enemy.
I can't even stand myself anymore.
I'm disgusted with myself.
I'm a piece of shit.