sweet sin (the devil all the time)

11. late night

The rest of the summer consisted of church, sneaking out my window at night, and avoiding my father at all costs

"Late night?" I asked earskell who was sitting in the chair on the porch, i pulled my cardigan tighter around myself

Arvin pulled his cigarettes out of his pocket, earskell looked up at us "played cards over at elder stubbs's garage again"

"You win this time?" Arvin flipped up his zippo and lit the end of the cigarette

"No not really" earskell chuckled, arvin took the cigarette from his lips handing it over to me, i took a drag holding the smoke in my mouth "saw fred dinwoodie over there"

I handed arvin the cigarette "said his boys just about healed up" i looked over at the trees behind arvin "i still think you couldve held back a little bit" earskell looked at him

"Well he aint bothered my girl or leonora since, him or his candy-ass buddies" i smiled looking down at the my girl thing, my face heated up everytime he said it, i took the cigarette from between arvins fingers and took a drag

"I gotta go check in on her she aint been feeling to good, you keep an eye on her for me we'll were at church"  arvin looked down at me "you comin?"

"Ill be in when im done this, trying to keep your grandmother believing i dont smoke" i said sarcastically and smiled at him

"Little does she know you could out smoke me anyday" he said sarcastically and smiled back

"With your cigarettes too" i raised my eyebrows watching him walk into the house, i took one last drag and put the cigarette out "sleep well earskell"

"See ya" he closed his eyes again

I went back into the house going to leonoras room to see arvin holding her hair back

She sat up on the bed hunched forward, i got up on the other side of the bed rubbing her back watching arvin sit on the end of the bed

Leonora sniffled "i aint ever missed church before" she panted "im so ashamed"

"You aint got nothing to be ashamed of" arvin moved his head trying to catch her eyes "im sure the lord will forgive you for missing one sunday"

"Ol' jesus probably had his fair share of bad mornings" i joked, leonora glanced at me and laughed

"I love you guys" she whispered laying back down

"Hows about we go see your mama's grave when your better?" Arvin asked, leonora reached out her hand and arvin took it in both of his "that sound alright?" Leonora nodded

"Get better soon" i brushed the hair off her forehead "i need your help to kick your brothers ass in minigolf" i whispered, leonora laughed quietly

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"The good book" my father started "is filled with good men and women suffering delusions" he paused "eve in the garden, noah...naked and drunk bringing shame upon his family...The idol the jews bowed before in the desert, and even the lord jesus himself was presented with delusions himself but only through his faith and his strength overcame"

"Mhm" a man agreed with him from the crowd a "praise jesus" from another

"The lords delusions in the desert was a game of the so called 'devil'" i looked at arvins whos face was straight his jaw clenched "and what the lord experienced was a delusion that wouldve kept him from saving us, but he did not fall for it"

I moved my shoulder closer to arvins side, this was alot more intense then usual, "it is our delusions that lead us to sin!" My father paused "striking a mother or a wife for something you thought they said...neglecting work or sunday service for that matter..."

I clenched my jaw "some girl gets a feeling for a fella and lets him have her holy gift" i swallowed hard, "DELUSIONS!" he yelled, i flinched, arvin gave my knee a small squeeze 

"Blaspheming the lord in your mind and in your heart for some wrong done to you by another person" my father put a hand on his chest

"I need air" i whispered and got up "sorry, excuse me" i said to a woman as i walked infront of her, i opened the church doors and slipped out, that was way too intense for me

---

"you sure your okay honey?" Emma asked as we got into the house

I nodded "yeah im okay" i smiled "i dont know why i just felt a little sick at church but im okay now" i turned on the tap starting to wash dishes

"GRANDMA!" i heard arvin yell from outside

Emma and i looked at each other "GRANDMA!" arvin yelled again

I dropped the pot back into the sink grabbing a tea towel going through the dining room to the back door, emma was a few steps infront of me

Emma stopped dead in her tracks and i looked around her seeing leonora in arvins arms, "oh god" i felt myself stop breathing

Emma ran over to help arvin, i couldnt get my feet to move, i was stuck in place, i felt like i was looking down at my body

Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, i felt tears running down my cheeks, i finally got my feet to move going back in the house to call an ambulance

---

Arvin sat on the back steps hands covering his face shaking his head, emma had gone to bed, i could still hear her cries from her bedroom

I opened the back door "you can go home" arvin snapped, i walked over and bent down putting my arms around him from behind "slone let me go" he tried to unhook my arms

I tightened my grip on him putting my face in the side of his neck "shes gone" he whispered sounding far away, he put his hands over top of mine holding them closer to him "shes gone" he whispered again, he sounded like he was trying to convince himself

I kissed the back of his head and pressed my forehead to the back of his neck "i am so sorry" i tightened my grip

He shook his head "thank you for being here"

"Your never getting rid of me" i kissed his cheek "i promise"

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