Cassie's Reviews (CLOSED FOR CATCH UP)

8: The Extinction Heist || kudowatsonranran

Author: kudowatsonranran

Book title: The Extinction Heist (Tantei association series volume 1: The Extinction Heist)

Warning: I don't usually use warnings but if you are looking for a sugar-coated review, this isn't the right place.

Title

The title is unique, but you could keep it simpler and use "The Extinction Heist" like the title on the cover because if you count everything, it's too long.

Cover

I like it, and I love the colors, but I'd like the title to stand out more.

Blurb

Before I even started reading it, I knew it was huge. There's no way you need so much information in the blurb. No matter how well-written a blurb is, it should be simple, smart, with the absolute minimal information to hint at the main plot but also intrigue the reader.

The blurb has many long sentences, and the grammar is off. You use the past and present simple in the same sentence, and each sentence has a lot of information. The first paragraph feels like the beginning of the story rather than the blurb. You should start simpler. Name the place, tell the arrival of the figure and name the child. Avoid all that beautiful but wordy vocabulary and sentences and keep them for the story.

Also, avoid using "aint" because it makes your writing less formal. For someone like me, taintei is a new term, and you mentioned it a lot, making the story confusing. I would minimize the number of times it's mentioned. I'll probably write more about it later, but why is the protagonist a 6-year-old? How can a child think, feel and be interesting enough?

I noticed you've put the blurb as a chapter called "book description". Why? If you want to keep it, you should write a new, shorter, more to-the-point blurb and keep the one you have as a more detailed description.

Prologue

It has a great, interesting open liner. However, the rest of the scene isn't well-written.

The first scene with the lady finding the body is interesting, but the narration makes it blunt. Describe it, show what she sees, how she feels, how her heart beats faster, and her screams wake up the neighborhood. Make the reader feel that they are there rather than reading a police report.

The first dialogues are very confusing. I had a hard time trying to understand who was talking.

When one character doesn't say anything, you should use multiple dots. Just go on with the next paragraph: "The woman didn't want to argue..."

There are a lot of unnecessary sentences. Check this part: "The woman wanted to argue, but she knew he had a point. He wasn't wrong." Having a point and not being wrong is the same. Avoid repeating things even if you use different ways to say them.

I found the prologue too long, and honestly, I would name it "Chapter 1". There's a lot of information, many characters, and plot details. That is overwhelming.

Plot/Characters

I must admit that the story has a lot of twists and surprises, and it's interesting. But there's too much dialogue. I'd like to see more descriptions. Mention a few things about the place, how the characters look and react, and avoid saying what's happening only through dialogue. For example, the young girl doesn't have to explain everything related to the crime. Make the story more vivid by using flashbacks to actively show the murder scene or add small details throughout the scenes so that the child doesn't have to tell them everything that happened. Your descriptions got better in chapters 3 and 4.

I liked that you showed Ranran's family, and there were a few funny scenes, but I'm not convinced that a 6-year-old could be the protagonist. I've noticed that your story is heavily influenced by manga so this kind of justifies your choice. However, how is she special? I'm really curious if I missed something because she has a mother who takes care of her, and Ranran has to go to school, so how can she also appear at murder scenes? The mystery man is an extra interesting part of the story.

Ranran is smart and cunning but is she a realistic character? No. I liked the scenes where she behaved more like a child.

Even if I count it as a fantasy story, a child can be smart, but it cannot outsmart adults and make them look like idiots by solving crimes.

Oh, and it would be good if adults aren't always so surprised by her mind. You could tone it down a bit.

SPaG

Punctuation was okay but not great. You use a lot of "?!" instead of showing frustration, surprise, etc. Also, you should use a comma every time you use a dialogue tag (Said, asked, etc).

I don't know if English is your first language, but I strongly suggest you study because a lot of sentences didn't make sense: "Said man chapped lips transform to annoyance as if he is outraged that the little brat is still here." I can guess what you want to say, but it doesn't make sense the way you've written it. I know the struggle because English isn't my mother tongue but if you want to write in English, you should study grammar and read more.

Overall impression

I've read the comments and your answers and I understood that you are a manga fan, and therefore you are used to seeing and not reading as much. When writing a story, you see how people look or change expressions when talking. You see how the place looks and how for example, the girl notices tiny details because that's what pictures are for. But the reader doesn't see the same things, and dialogue might be helpful but is also boring.

Another thing I want to mention is that quantity doesn't equal quality. Each chapter felt like a short story, especially the prologue and the first two chapters. Maybe you could slow down the pace of the story, add descriptions to make the crimes more vivid, and I'm sure that would make the girl's observations more impactful.

The beginnings and the endings of your chapters are great!

I'm sorry if you felt this review was too harsh. I see that you are still trying to balance manga and stories, but you've also had some great commenters in your story. So, the only thing you can do is study, fix your story based on your readers' notes, and keep writing.

Good luck!