Faking It

Chapter 40: Way Too Many Things To Think About

Theo hadn't been joking, and the next morning, after we'd devoured my family's usual post-Thanksgiving croissants, he dragged me out to his car and drove us to my old high school's big, empty parking lot.

"I'm going to crash your car," I said for the zillionth time, when I slid into the driver's seat.

"No you're not," he said for the zillionth time, buckling into the passenger side. "Now just remember what I said. Clutch first, shift gears, then ease off."

We jerked forward, then slammed to a stop.

"I can't do this," I said, pressing my forehead to the leather-wrapped wheel. "I'm going to—"

"You're going to take a deep breath." His hand landed on mine on the gearshift. "And then you're going to press on the clutch again, and go a little gentler on the accelerator."

This time, we still jerked forward, but at least I kept us going this time. Theo coached me into shifting into second when we picked up speed and the RPM rose, only for me to slam the brakes when we reached the end of the parking lot.

"Did you forget how to use the wheel?" he asked, eyes dancing.

"This is just...there are way too many things to think about," I said, then gulped at the double-edged meaning of my words.

Because not only was I hopeless at learning to drive manual, I was also hopeless at not obsessing over how the heck I was going to tell Theo about my change of heart. And how I could make it work. If I could make it work.

"You got this," he said, "Now do what I showed you to shift out of park. And don't forget to turn the wheel this time."

I sucked in a breath, wishing I could stop being so hyperaware of his hand atop mine. Focused on the mechanics of shifting us out of park, then into first, I spun the wheel to avoid driving straight into the curb. Eventually, when I started to get the hang of it, Theo let go, and it became infinitely easier to accelerate and decelerate and stop, all while trying not to stall or burn his clutch. By the end of it, I couldn't stifle my triumphant grin when we ventured onto the road and I made it all the way around the block without stalling once.

"I won't lie," Theo said, after we'd switched seats so he could drive us home, "I was a little afraid you were going to leave me with a dent or two."

I swatted his arm. "Ye of little faith."

Rather than shift out of park, he just looked at me. "Well, would I be wrong if I said you seemed more than a little distracted today?"

I froze. Shit. Shit.

"Ellie?" he asked quietly, leaning towards me.

I wanted nothing more than to lean towards him, to feel his lips on mine again. But doing that before I spoke my truth would only drag me further down a path that led to disaster. I had to address it. Now. Before it got too far under my skin that I couldn't rip it out if he didn't feel the same way.

Mustering every ounce of my bravery and hoping that I had the words to do my feelings justice and not fumble over them, I said, "We need to tal—"

A ringtone blasted over his Bluetooth. A picture of his mother with her lips pressed into a line appeared on the center console.

"Shit," Theo muttered. He glanced at me. "Sorry, I have to take this."

I clamped my mouth closed, and he answered with a bright, "Hey, ma."

Theo's mother's voice filled the car. "Darling! You haven't responded to any of your brother's texts. We were getting worried."

"I've been busy," he replied, flashing me a quick grin.

His mother sighed. "Shelley missed you at dinner last night."

Theo stiffened, and that knife's edge returned to his tone. "I'm sure she understood when you told her about my new girlfriend."

"Darling," his mother chided, "Don't call her that, she's—"

"She's my girlfriend," Theo said firmly. When he reached for my hand, something tightened in my chest. His fingers were icy, but when they squeezed, I squeezed them back.

Maybe it wouldn't be so hard to tell him after all. Maybe we could make this work. Maybe he even wanted to. And if he wanted to, then—

"She's a scholarship student, Theo," his mother said, with all the derision she'd hidden behind her fake smiles at the Harvest Gala. "You can't really be serious."

Her words struck like a slap. One that I hadn't realized that I'd needed. I'd gotten so caught up in the dream that I hadn't considered the reality. We were from separate worlds, and no one from his would ever stop treating me like an outsider or reminding me how I didn't belong.

My fingers loosened. It was probably for the best that I hadn't spilled my soul. I didn't want to think about how much worse I'd be feeling if I'd just admitted that this was real to me. Because the fact I hadn't told him—that I'd never said it out loud—was my one last piece of armor. Which must count for something, despite the prickling behind my nose that was threatening to flood into my eyes. I blinked furiously and looked out the window.

"She's not just a scholarsh—" Theo said.

His mother cut over him. "You are coming home, Theo."

"No. I'm not. Not if you talk about my girlfr—"

"I am not joking, young man!" Her voice vibrated over the speakers so loudly that I winced. "You are coming home right now, or so help me, I'll have you pulled from that ghastly team you--"

Theo released me. "All right," he snapped. "You win. I'll leave this afternoon."

"Good." Her tone had softened back to the calm, sweet one she'd used when he'd picked up. "I'm expecting you in time for dinner. Judge Peterson and his family are joining us. I hope you brought something suitable to wear—"

Theo jabbed an angry finger at the hang up icon. Silence throbbed between us until he scraped both hands over his face with an angry growl.

"I'm sorry," he said, his voice rough. "You shouldn't have had to hear that."

"It's fine." I offered the brightest smile I could muster despite the gaping hole in my chest. "It's not real anyway, so it—"

"Stop it, Ellie."

I couldn't bring myself to look at him, so I studied my hands in my lap instead. "Stop what?"

"Stop saying..." He trailed off, ran a hand through his hair, then pressed his fist to his mouth. "Never mind. I need to get home or she absolutely will find a way to get me benched before the finals."

The engine growled to life, and I watched the parking lot disappear in the side mirror as that gaping, empty hole yawned wider in my chest.

"Can you make it back to school on your own?" Theo asked eventually, something rough around the edges of his voice. He didn't look at me when I glanced his way, focused on pulling into my driveway.

I shrugged. "I'll just take the train. It's not a big deal."

His right eye twitched in what might've been a wince. "I'll get your ticket. Consider it an apology."

Cold air buffeted me when he slid from the car, leaving me alone in leather-trimmed silence.

"I wish you could stay," I whispered to the empty seat beside me, before I followed him back into my house.

**A/N: My goodness the way writing this absolutely hit on that teenage feeling of not being enough while also wishing desperately to be...kinda wanna fight Mrs. Ellerby for making my girl feel that way! Do you think Ellie should still tell Theo, even though it's not looking so great where his family is concerned?

As always, if you enjoyed it, please take a moment to vote and comment!!**