I'm Your Wreck

31- Rough Day

I still felt an anxious tug on the beat of my chest when I stepped foot on a soccer field. It was manageable now, especially after having played an entire season with the club team. But still there.

Even now, as I stepped onto the indoor field for a practice game with the team. My cleats touched the fake grass and the thrum of my heartbeat picked up in pace a little bit. My footwork was still improving as my body readjusted to the old moves, my endurance not nearly as good as what it used to be.

When my knee was out of commission, my only workouts included upper body weight training. Hardly any cardio, absolutely no leg workouts, except for the mandated physical therapy.

I spent over two years withering away all of the hard work I put in for the first eighteen years of my life.

Thankfully, I was able to keep up with the team without getting completely winded, but I worked up more of a sweat than I ever used to in high school. I was working out a lot on my own these days, so hopefully I'd get back to where I used to be before the injury.

Sara still wanted me to give a lesson to her team at the same high school I used to go to. Would anybody recognize me? Would they talk about what a disappointment I turned out to be?

I wanted to be strong enough to show up for my cousin, but playing soccer here on a new field with a new team felt like something completely different than playing at the same place where everything went wrong. Where everybody knew me as the guy with the viral injury that ruined his career before it even started.

I could maybe do it, if Banks was there.

Even before I recognized my feelings for him, he had a calming presence about him. Everything felt easier when he was around. Less scary.

But bringing Banks home would be a lot. Only my parents and sister even knew that I was dating a guy and while I suspected my family would be supportive of it, I wasn't ready for all of their questions. I was hardly maintaining my friends' questions without getting overwhelmed.

Not to mention, we hadn't been dating for that long so it would probably be really weird to invite him home with me anyway. Meeting my parents, my cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents.

Somebody kicked the ball to me, snapping me out of all of my thoughts. When the ball hit my cleats, it was like everything else shut off. All I could focus on was where I was in the moment. The ball, the net, the opponents in my way. The anxiety pierced painfully in my throat and I swallowed it down, quickly dribbling toward the goal.

Chris and Allen were sprinting with me, ready to accept a pass. Except neither of them were open, getting guarded relentlessly by the opposing team. I steamed ahead, faking left to get around Tony the Defenseman and then I was at the goal.

I'd scored a handful of goals for the team during our season. None of them too impressive, nothing to write home about. But still, I managed it without completely breaking down.

But this time, Tony wrapped back around, trying to kick the ball out from under me just as I was slowing down for the final kick.

It was a normal maneuver, something I should have been ready for. But it caught me by surprise and I ended up tripping over his ankle.

I was already falling into a panic attack by the time I hit the ground. I was going to break a bone again, re-injure my knee and then this time, they'll tell me that I'll never be able to walk again. I'll be paralyzed.

By the time I fully assessed the situation, realized that nothing was broken, Allen had gotten the ball back for our team and made the goal that I couldn't.