Too Scared To Say Something Sooner - TMD [Mainly Chadam]

Chapter 12: A Slight Mental Breakdown Is Always Fun

Charlie

Adam sat next to me on the armrest of Hans' old armchair. He watched as I unfolded the lined paper of the letter, identical to Jan's, after taking it out of the envelope. I scanned over the neat sentences that filled the page, blinking quickly to get rid of the tears in my eyes.

Adam traced comforting circles over my back and I took a long breath, gathering the courage to actually read Hans' goodbye. It was hard though focus, with how bad my hands were shaking, though a calming breath seemed to ease it enough to make the letters comprehendible. 

'Dear Charlie,

I want to start by asking you to tell the other Ducks that just because you are one to get your own letter, it does not mean you are favorite (don't tell anyone that you are), I simply have something to ask of you. I thought it was too personal to put on the group note.

I know that you might still be angry. If I am right, that was how you felt before I passed. I hope Gordon or the Ducks or your mom talked some sense into that hot-head of yours though. But please don't be angry. You have nothing to be angry over. And try to not live in sadness, either. I know you have lost so many people already, I know that this has caused you pain, but look at the memories with fondness. Keep me alive with happiness, even if spiritually. And if you HAVE to be angry, if you can't let it go, don't be angry with the Ducks, or Gordon, or Jan, or your mom. Be angry with me. They do not deserve that, so give me the fire to burn. Keep that energy of yours for the next hockey season and keep your loved ones close.

Secondly, whatever you do, do NOT turn your back on the Ducks again. I do not care what happens, Charlie, you are the heart of the team. Be there for them and remember that they are there for you. If you rely on each other and lean on each other; help each other keep on flying, if you will, you will accomplish great things.

Lastly, I have one last gift for you in the back parking lot. Please don't read any further until you go see what it is.'

I looked up at Adam at that. He wasn't reading the letter over my shoulder (I wouldn't even really care if he was), he was looking at me. Seemingly watching my emotions and facial expressions. He tilted his head at the confusion on my face and I managed to stutter out an answer to his wordless, what's wrong? "H-He left another thing for me..." and I want to cry, I added in my head.

I know it's crazy that Hans leaving me another thing is making me sad, or mad, or whatever this is, but with the way I left things with him, I deserved nothing of his or from him.

I felt guilty and angry and sad. The exact things that Hans just asked for me not to be. I couldn't help it. Though, at least it wasn't toward anyone but myself this time. I didn't totally fuck up.

...maybe.

"What is it?" Adam asked quietly, pulling me from my thoughts of self-loathing.

"I don't know," I answered just as quietly. "Will you come with me?"

Adam nodded. "Of course."

"Okay," I folded the letter as I stood and slid it into the back pocket of my jeans.

We told Jan where we were headed and Adam followed me to the back doors that lead to a parking lot that was barely used.