Midnights like these - Spreen✰

Lost in the labyrinth of my mind

TW: This chapter mentions an eating disorder

Olivia's pov:

As the days passed in Edinburgh, I settled again into my calm routine. I, Emma, Vic, Molly, and Jen explored the city and laughed together. The pain of my past slowly began to fade, and it was replaced by good memories that I was starting to make.

Although the laughs and joy moments, thoughts of Ivan were still in the back of my mind. We continued to exchange messages, but I still couldn't stop thinking about what happened at the airport. Did he like me? Or was it just an act of kindness?

One evening, while I was at a coffee shop with my friends, my phone buzzed with a message notification, it was from Ivan, which I found strange because we hadn't talked in a while.

-Everything alright Oliv? - Molly asked noticing my distracted expression

-Yeah I'm fine. Someone just texted me. - I said while trying to hide my excitement

-Is that guy you met in Madrid? You never told us more about him - Emma said while trying to get me to say something.

-Yes, It's him. We've been talking, and getting to know each other. - I said

-Oooh, your supposed boyfriend. - Jen said while winking at me

-We're just friends, at least for now I think

-Whatever it is we are here for Oliv, don't forget that.

It felt good to be supported by someone and know that I had friends who cared about me. But part of me was just wanting to get home to chat with him.

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When I was back in my apartment my phone buzzed with a video call from him. My heart skipped a beat, and I quickly answered.

-Hey, Ivan. - I greeted him while trying to hide my excitement

-Hi Liv. - He replied with a soft smile on his face. -I'm sorry for not messaging you this week. I got caught up with some work stuff.

-It's okay. Life can get busy sometimes

We chatted for a while, catching up on each other's lives and exchanging stories. But as the conversation continued, I noticed that Ivan was getting quite nervous.

-Actually, there's something I've been wanting to tell you.

-What is it? - My curiosity peaked

-I don't want to rush things or put any pressure on you but I can't help but feel that there's something special between us. Liv, I really like you, and I can't ignore these feelings anymore.

-Ivan. It's just that the distance between us, it's a lot to consider

-I know, and I don't want to push you into something you're not ready for.

-You mean a lot to me too. I just need some time to think about that.

-Of course, take the time you need. I don't want to rush things or make you uncomfortable. Let's see what time brings us.

-Yeah for sure.

-I have something to show you

He pointed his camera outside, revealing a sunset over the cityscape. While I looked at the sight, I felt the feeling of the magic of being connected to someone across the world.

-It's breathtaking. - I said while smiling

-I wish you were here to see it in person

-Maybe one day. Who knows what the future holds?

- I hope so Liv

That's how the call ended. I didn't know what to say about the things he just had told me. Suddenly Emma calls me, I thought twice before answering because of how much I had on my mind, but having someone to talk about it was better than letting it all to myself

-Hii Oliv. Are you free? I was thinking about having dinner together

-Sure, I'm not really hungry. But I have something on my mind that I need to tell you.

-Ok then. I will get something, and when I get there I will be all ears!

-Take care, Emma

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As we sat down at the table, Emma asked me what I had in mind when she called me. I took a deep breath and started talking.

-You remember that guy I meet in Madrid right? Well, we've been getting to know each other.

-Yes, I remember him

I hesitated for a moment trying to find the right words

-Well, he recently confessed that he has feelings for me, and he likes me more than a friend...

-Oliv, that's incredible, how do you feel about him?

-I really like him too, Emma. But you know the distance between us is a challenge.

-I understand that that's not an easy decision to make. What did you say to him?

-I told him that the distance between us was a big thing to consider. And he said that it was ok and he didn't want me to push me into something I wasn't ready for

-That was the right thing to do Oliv. But who knows what the future holds? I'm sure that everything will work out between you two.

-Thanks Emma, you mean the world to me.

-You too Oliv.

But there was still something in my mind. My eating disorder. My friend group knew about this problem, but Ivan didn't. That was what scared me, what if he stopped liking me after knowing about my problem, or was I thinking more than I should? As we were finishing dinner I broke the silence.

-Emma, there's another thing on my mind that I didn't tell you early.

-What Oliv? - I could see the curiosity in her.

-Well I didn't tell Ivan about my eating disorder, and what happened back in Portugal.

-What do you mean? Didn't therapy helped with that?

-I mean it did help, but when I was in Madrid, I felt the urge to purge and I did.

-Why didn't you tell me something? You know I can help you!

-Yes I know. But the thing is that I don't know how to tell Ivan. What if he stops talking to me?

-Oliv, you know that I'm here for everything you need. And I'm sure that he will be there for you, and support you in whatever you need.

-I know you're right. It's just hard to open up about something so personal. I don't want him to think that I'm broken or something like that.

-You're not broken Oliv. Your past doesn't define you, and anyone who truly cares about you will see that.

Venting to Emma took a weight off my shoulders. Maybe I just should open up my heart about all of this to Ivan. And if he really liked me he would understand me and support me.