Afraid to love

Chapter 14

My voice feels dry when I finish talking. Daniel, Phil, Lara and Nina are all sitting in different positions in the living room. Phil came at some point after Daniel and joined in listening to my story. When I stop speaking, everyone is silent. I feel a sense of relief, I've kept everything inside me for so long that just talking helps.

"He said you would live with him?" Phil asks, I nod,

"And that he would wipe the smile off her face" Nina whispers.

"He wanted to take you with him" Phil concludes,

"Keep her in his house? But what for?" Lara cries,

"It's obvious what for" Daniel grunts.

They all go quiet once again, everyone preoccupied with their own thoughts. The doorbell rings, Elias walks in. He caught a bus here so he can be with Lara while she travels home. Elias greets me cautiously, like I could break if he speaks too loud. He's only a year younger than Lara and I, but back when we were kids that seemed like a lot, I always looked at him like a younger brother. He comes forward and hugs me, kissing me gently on the cheek,

"So glad you're okay" he says, "can't believe all this is happening"

"Me too" I say,

"It's like a horror movie. And worst part is, I don't know what to do about it. How to keep you both safe" he releases me from the hug,

"I wish I knew" I say solemnly. He gives me another hug, sighing,

"We should go, Lara. The sooner we go the better so it doesn't get too late, who knows if the stalker is out and about again" Elias says, Lara nods reluctantly,

"I just hate leaving you alone, Sofia. Please, stay safe" Lara says,

"You too, Lara. Be careful, okay?" she nods,

Lara and Elias leave, and then after some time Phil and Daniel leave as well. They have some training happening tonight. They both tell me to call them if anything happens. Once we're alone, Nina and I lay awake in my bed, neither of us able to sleep. We don't talk much, just lay there staring into the wall. I'm so thankful to have her next to me tonight, it makes me feel less alone.

I don't know what time it is when I finally fall asleep, but when I wake up, Nina is gone. She left a note on my side table explaining that she went to see George and will be back soon. In capital and underlined letters, she wrote not to leave the apartment by myself. I shrug sadly, I wasn't going to leave, anyway. I'm too scared to even open the door. What if he's out there, in the hallway, waiting for me...

Days pass one after another, and everyday feels like hell. I've stopped going to most of my dances. I've started missing university lectures, only going to the ones that don't happen too early in the morning or too late in the afternoon. And even when I go, I am weary of my surroundings. I look left and right before leaving my apartment and keep turning my head as I walk down the street or catch a bus. I feel too afraid to live. It's starting to impact my mental health, sometimes when the day is passing, and I'm stuck behind closed apartment doors, I feel like I will go insane. Like the world is moving without me.

Nina has been spending a lot of her time at home with me. She says it's because she's worried about the stalker, too, but I know it's because she feels bad to leave me all alone. Although I'm feeling so unhappy, I do my best to hide it. I smile whenever I can, I force myself to joke and laugh. I know if I allow myself to be upset, I've allowed the stalker to win. He said he'd wipe the smile off my face, but I want to prove he can't. He doesn't have that power over me.

One evening, Nina and I are alone at home, and we're in my room, practicing self-defence from online videos. It's something we've been doing quite a lot of lately. In this particular video, the victim's wrist is grasped by the attacker. The victim is meant to do a weird twisting manoeuvre to break free. Nina grasps my wrist, I try my best to follow the instructions in the video. Then I do the same to her,

"Okay, I'll grab you with both hands now" Nina says and grasps my left wrist with both hands, I move in the fashion described in the video to break free,

"But this only works if you have both hands on my wrist, Nina" I say, "if you only had one it wouldn't work"

"It would, the guy in the video said it works for any hold"

"Okay, try" she grasps my right wrist, and as I presumed, it's a lot harder to do the movement this way, I'm either doing something wrong, or it doesn't work,

"You're doing it wrong" Nina laughs,

"How?"

"Twist your hand clockwise"

"I did"

"You didn't"

"Okay, you try" I grasp her wrist, frustrated that it's not working, she has a go at twisting but is unsuccessful.

"See?" this time I laugh. She's persistent, though, and in her struggle she pulls her whole body forward, making me tumble over her. We both fall onto my bed, laughing.

"That's not what the video said!" I protest, "that's cheating"

"Well I did get myself free"

"Barely!" I jump up off the bed,

"Let's rewatch the video, we must be doing something wrong" Nina kneels down to play the video again, both of us are focused on the screen. The guy in the video is doing exactly what I tried,

"See? We were doing it wrong" Nina says,

"Play it again" I say,

"See?" she pauses at a specific part,

"But I did that"

"You didn't"

"No, you didn't, I did"

"Okay, show again" she pops up again and grasps my wrist, I don't even try the useless manoeuvre, instead I did what she did to me and topple over her onto the bed. She laughs, releasing my wrists,

"See? That works better than the video" I say,

"Yeah, but where are you going to find a bed to push someone over, huh? Watch again!" she presses play once more, we're both staring at the screen once more,

"That looks very ineffective" a male voice startles us; we both jump and turn towards my open bedroom door. Daniel is standing there, leaning against the wooden frame, his arms crossed against his massive chest.