The Wedding Project 💍

'Never Hit Your Grandma With A Shovel' - The Grandma (@JABrownOfficial)

I ran my hands through my soft greying hair and took a seat on a wooden bench that was outside in the garden. A navy blue parasol prevented the spits of rain from running down my back, as a frosty evening breeze scattered the fallen leaves across the garden.

I could still hear Anna's laugh echoing through my mind. Whether or not she knew it, the girl had an awful laugh, all loud and high pitched like some deranged hyena or something about to die a horrible death. Poor Callum. He was a lovely young man, just like my husband was at that age. Attractive and charming, always with a smile on his face and a twinkle in his eyes. I didn't quite understand why, when he could have the pick of the girls, why did he want to spend his life with someone like that. I couldn't help but find his impending nuptials rather amusing. Never in my wildest dreams did I think I'd witness such an event? To be honest, for several years I thought he was gay!

I stood for a moment and took a breath, as I watched the darkening sky. I could hear footsteps approaching. I turned around to see a young man around the same age as Callum standing close by.

"Mrs Wallace?" He said

"It's Mrs Edwards. You're one of Callum's friends, yes?"

The young man nodded. He was tall, with blond hair and bright green eyes. He reminded me of a young Brad Pitt. Oh, if I were thirty years younger I wouldn't kick him out of bed in a hurry. He held his hand out for me to shake and introduced himself as Ocean Creed. I couldn't help but feel a little surprised to hear his smooth American voice.

"And what can I do for you, Ocean?"

"Oh gee, Cal's asked me to be his best man at his wedding, and as you've known I'm so much longer than me, I wondered if you might have some humorous tales to tell me that I could include in my best man's speech?"

I thought for a moment, as I tried to think of something for Ocean. It didn't take me long. As I caught a glimpse of myself in the reflection in the mirror that hung from the garden fence. As I looked at my own red lips, I felt as if I was back there and nothing could hold me back. I took another sip of red wine, and began to tell him everything.

I remembered when his cousin Stephanie was due to start school. He must have been ten and she was a little bit older than her so she would have been about eleven. I was looking after both of them while my son, Stephen, who is Stephanie's dad and Callum's mum, Marie, attended some work event somewhere. I'd just nipped up to change the twins as they'd spilt a load of tomato soup all over themselves. It was in their hair and all over the floor and they really needed a bath. That must have taken me an hour at least.

By the time I'd finished and put them to bed that evening, I heard a strange noise coming from Marie and Arthur's bedroom. It sounded like things were being dropped on the floor and lots of giggling. I left the twins asleep in their room and walked across the landing. The door was open a fraction and I could see what was happening inside. Callum looked like a clown, red lipstick covered most of his face and I watched as Stephanie painted bright blue eyeshadow across his cheeks as if it were blusher. I couldn't help but laugh. I opened the door more and entered. Callum stood up, and as he took a step forward I noticed instead of his usual trainers or football boots, he had his mother's stilettos on his feet.

"Gran!" He said, if his cheeks weren't already blue I swear he would have blushed.

The stub of the lipstick fell from his hand and dropped onto the floor. As he stepped forward again the heel of his left shoe went straight into the lipstick, crushing it further into the pale cream carpet.

"Callum, you do look pretty." I laughed. I pulled my phone out of my back pocket.

"No grandma! No!"

Tears streamed down his face, turning blue with all the slap my granddaughter had plastered on his face as I captured the image. "Please don't!"

"Too late my boy."

The crotch of his navy trousers darkened, and a puddle on the floor grew. I couldn't help but notice a yellowish colour across the carpet.

"Go and get changed." I ordered, "Then wash your face and clean these carpets before your mother gets home."

I turned to look at Stephanie and ran my fingers through my short greyish hair. Although she'd put far too much makeup on her face, she had applied it neatly and with precision.

***

I watched as Ocean bellowed with laughter. Tears flowed like a river down his cheeks and onto his top.

"Oh God!" He slapped his thigh, "please Mrs E, please tell me you've got the pic of that?"

I thought for a moment. I did have that one photo but I couldn't let this man have it. Could I?