Before, After & In-between

Chapter 32 - Now

I had a mission for today. Go to therapy get through an hour of unwanted conversation with a complete stranger and pretend to know what the heck I'm doing with my life. I was on track until Dr. Evans performed some sort of magic voodoo with my head, instead of leaving there confused I left feeling lighter with a sense of clarity. I knew I had unfished business, unfinished apologies with Darrin and my family. Leah forgave me, and now Darrin's forgiven me, all that's left is my dad and brother.

When I walk through my front door the zesty smell of Mr. Clean greets me with a warm welcome, the noisy hum of the dishwasher clanks and I hear small hints of laughter and murmurs of conversation coming from the kitchen. It's in these moments that my life feels the most normal. The smell of a freshly clean home, the mundane sounds of household appliances, background chatter.. the tv playing. When the house is alive it feels like she is too.

My brother looks up from where he's sitting across from my dad at the kitchen table, small boxes, books, photo albums and crafts are sprawled out covering every inch of wood.

"How was your appointment?" my dad asks gently without prying.

"Surprisingly...good," I say pulling up a chair, "what's all this?"

"Dad pulled out our baby photos and all the crafts we'd made mom over the years."

"I was actually looking for the Thanksgiving decorations and stumbled across all of this," my dad chuckles, "it's like a walk down memory lane."

I see a pile of crafts made for Mother's Day. A day I hadn't though about util now. A day of celebrating a person whose no longer here. The thought pulls me away. Last year we sent my mom to a spa where she was pampered head to toe for eight hours straight. She texted my dad half way through to tell him she was enjoying herself too much and never coming home. We made her dinner that night; well I made her dinner but I let us all take the credit for it. Then we ate banana splits for dessert while watching one of my mom's favorite old movies Mrs. Doubtfire. It was easy to spoil her because she deserved it.

I reach for the tiny cut-out of my hand, colored in greens and pinks meant to resemble a flower but looking more like something a two year old would be capable of. Art was never my strong suit.

" I can't believe she kept all this stuff," I say.

"Yep, these were her favorite gifts," my dad says smiling, "I remember accidentally throwing one of your cards in the garbage Katy..." he chuckles, "well let's just say I never heard the end of it."

"It's going to be weird this year," Jake says. He's running his fingers along a picture of him as a baby in my mom's arms, "maybe we can bring some yellow tulips to the cemetery, her favorite."

At the mention of cemetery a reminder of what I wanted to accomplish sounds off in my mind, "You know... I've been meaning to tell you, "their eyes focus on my face, on my fingers nervously twisting a small gum wrapper I found in my pocket and I realize they are watching me in fear. "When I was at the cemetary that night, I saw all the things you had left her...I saw your box of notes Jake...and the chocolates dad," I blink away tears, "you guys have been there for her all this time, and I abandoned you all."

"Katy, no–"

"Wait," I demand, "Let me finish. I lied to you, lied to myself...and I just really want you both to know how sorry I am...I just didn't know how to tell you, how to disappoint you after everything we've been through."

Seconds tick by as the butterfly behind my ribcage beats wildly, they look at each other, then look at me as I wait impatiently. I see the small curl of a smile on Jake's mouth, "We forgive you," he says.