Different Call (Clintasha)

Chpt. 10 - Desperation

Natasha

I tried. I tried so hard to preserve my dignity, make it look like I had tried to fight. I was never going to allow myself to claim his life. He was the same as me. I was his mission just as the SHIELD operative was mine and I couldn't hold it against him that his success would be granting me my suicidal wish. Still, as much as I knew I wanted my eternal reprieve I was afraid of the means by which it might be taken by a stranger in action. I was set in my decision but never had my desperation for it to end peaked as it did when he faltered. I was nearly there, just maintain the facade for a moment longer and my wish would be granted along with his success of ridding the world of my filth. But of course he had to be compassionate. I inhaled, preparing myself and in a sick sense thanking the heavens for sending an agent to end the journey for me. I was apathetic to my existence when I felt his grip loosen on the trigger and the pressure on the side of my head lighten. At the disappointment I met in his actions, an instinctual impulse rung through me:

"DO IT!" I yelled at the man, dropping any pretences of drive or competence.

He seemed taken aback and I prayed my command would serve to make him question his manliness and as always force them to prove it. However, unlike the prosperous, impulsive, and glutinous men I am forced to work around he didn't fall for my ploy as I had intended. Rather than instigating revenge, it instead only served to reinforce his moral strength.

"Why?" He questioned, his voice remaining authoritative and his posture poised.

I forget entirely what I said. I remember struggling to find the words in his capitalist tongue before blubbering on about something. I must have found a way to avoid the semantics, because I remember uttering the words with conviction. Whatever I managed to articulate apparently wasn't enough to support my argument and in a final motion he dropped the weapon from my head. With a resounding "No."

This was the tipping point when I allowed the entirety of my desperation to flow freely through my body, and govern my actions. There were no more pretences or sacrifices. I had nothing to lose and I reacted appropriately, somewhat childlike, accordingly.

My hand flexed and reached to rip the arm from the man's grasp but brute force was not my defining feature and so with a jerk of his arm it was out of my reach. I let out a strangled sob as if my misery were a tangible item being forced down my throat by the hand of the KGB and slid myself to the ground, adopting the fetal position, back against the wall. My cheeks were stained with tears I don't recall shedding. I could see his feet near me but as he made another movement towards me I pulled my legs in tighter to my torso. He halted only feet away from me.

Again of wave of hopelessness rushed over me. I looked up at the man standing above me, concern and indesisiveness etched across his features. I pursed my lips and braved the bridge I had sworn I never intended to cross. I begged.

My voice, no louder than a whisper, reached his ears "pozhaluyst, please..."

He cocked his head towards me eyes attentive and inquisitve. I repeated my plea again, louder this time, "Please, kill me."

"Why do you want-" he asked, trailing off towards the end as if the reality made him uncomfortable. His eyebrows were knit in concern as he awaited my answer.

"I can't do this anymore," I responded leaving a moment of silence before begging again this time stubborness bordering on my voice. "Please! Please just end it!" I yelled.

"No."

"Please!"

"No."

"PLEASE!!!" I cried, my voice cracking and becoming shrill by the mere force I was using to project the words.

"No!" He yells back with an air of finality, holstering his gun.

I only responded by shrinking lower in my blubbering pity and allowing myself to let out whimpers of defeat while my tears stain my sweater. He hesitated only momentarily before dropping to his knees in a motion of gentle empathy. I tried to disregard his pity. If he truly pitied me, he would have obeyed my commands and finished his mission. This man was not forgiving, he was selfish; and so it started that I began to flip kindness back on itself, condemning selfishness for my survival. I wouldn't allow him to get away with the satisfaction of innocence. He cautiously leaned in towards me and I predicted his reaction time. This was my chance to seek revenge on the justice he obstructed with compassion. I harnessed my remaining stamina and lunged forwards at his hip, wrapping my fingers around the lean form of his gun and tearing it from the holster. The button made a snap as it popped out of its chamber and without hesitation I drew it to my head.

The man's eyes filled with dread as he watched my actions go by without the ability to prevent them. Immediately, he jumped on me smashing himself towards the weapon. I tightened my grip on the trigger and the smell of sulfur filled the air as the first bullet flew from the muzzle of the gun. It missed my head narrowly, embedding itself into the wall of the room just above the mirror. I fired it again trying to force it back around when the firm grip of a hand clamped over my mouth and nose. I gasped, wriggling at the sensation of having a muzzle when the queer scent of chloroform met my nostrils. I gagged, trying to hold my breath and continued fighting but with each stroke of a fist and pull of a trigger, my senses dulled until the faint buzzing of my ears was the only thing I was aware of. I found myself unable to govern my muscles until finally my will faltered and my body fell limp, allowing my consciousness to be dragged into the chemical induced darkness.

A/N I'm having so much fun writing this one and with summer vacation off it's almost like I'm saturating myself with writing..I plan on posting a short (possibly continued) Les Miserables fanfiction (maybe ongoing maybe one shot) either way keep a heads up for that and if you like this story and you want to keep reading, remember to add it to your library to keep track of my updates :)