These Oceans between You and Me

Out

"Benny, my man! I've got some advice to give ya, if you don't mind." Zachary slumps heavily next to me on the bleachers. I glance at him, shading my eyes from the sun with my hand.

Football practice is over and he left his team on the field to talk to me.

"I know this is none of my business, but I think it's my job, as your best friend in the whole wide world, to look out for you, you know? And no, I don't care if Julia says she's your bestie, 'cus we both know that I am your number one friend, right?" he asks, grinning wide and wiggling his eyebrows at me.

"What is this about, Zack?" I ask, not confirming or denying his claim because I know that if this falls into Julia's ears, I'll be in a whole lot of trouble.

"Okay, so... I don't know if you're doing it on purpose or not, but some of the guys in my team were talking about it, you know, but you don't need to worry, they weren't really serious, they were just joking around, taking shit and all that, you know how it is with the locker room talk, is all just testosterone and stupidity talking..." He stalls and fumbles to tell me what exactly was that his friends were talking about while we watch his friends take off their sweaty shirts in the distance.

"What they were talking about, Zack?" I ask, suddenly getting anxious about where this conversation was going.

"It's not that you aren't subtle, it's just the one guy who noticed it, honestly, but if everyone starts paying attention, they might all start noticing it too."

"I- I don't know what you are talk-"

"You're watching us playing with a lot of... let's just say, a lot of interest." he finally blurts out what he had been stalling to say. "The same interest we see the cheerleading squad have when they're watching us play. It's giving 'thirsty vibes', is all I'm saying, you know?"

"W-what?" I squawk in a panic.

"I don't mean to force you to come out or anything like that, bro. I don't even know if this has some truth to it or not. Maybe it's just the guys being jealous because you get all the girls' attention and they are throwing shade on you, calling you gay just to eliminate some competition, you know?" He scratches the back of his head, trying his best not to sound offensive or hurtful. "But in the off chance of them being right, I just want you to know that we're cool with it."

"We?" My voice comes out small and scared.

"Julia and I. But don't worry, we won't tell anyone, chill. You look real scared there." He chuckles and pats me on the shoulder, trying to put me at ease. "I just want you to know that Julia and I got your back, no matter what. I already told the guys to shut up about this, 'cus it's none of their business anyway. But if they're right, you don't need to stress about coming out to me, okay? And if you're not ready to do that, just avoid staring too much, and they'll eventually leave it alone."

We sit in silence for a moment, my heart racing and my head filled with a lot of questions. I've had these doubts weighing on my shoulders for a year now and I keep trying to ignore the problem, push it under the rug, and force myself to believe that it doesn't exist. But now that Zack has said it out loud, I can't pretend it's not there anymore.

I finally pick one question out of the many in my head. "Do I really stare at them with 'too much interest'?"

He glances at me, his amused expression turning serious. "Kinda, yeah. But you don't need to worry, you hide it really well. I only noticed because I'm your best friend and we spend a lot of time together. And the guy on my team might have noticed just because he's a bit homophobic and anyone staring at him more than two seconds, he starts overreacting, that's all."

"I- I never really thought about it," I confess. "Well, to be honest, I tried not to think about it. Maybe if I pretend there's nothing there, it'll go away."

He ponders that for a moment. "I talked to Julia about it and we don't want to assume, but... we've never seen you date any girl, Ben, like, ever. You don't seem interested in them. At all."

"Maybe it's because they don't give me a chance!" I protest.

He gives me a look of disbelief. "You're one of the most good-looking guys in our school, Ben. Girls try to give you a chance all the freaking time. You can't be that dumb."

I glance down to avoid his eyes.

"And you show zero interest in boobs," he continues to analyze the situation. "But that could be because you are shy... or too polite, I dunno. Julia says that you are respectful to women and that's very decent of you if you are but you don't show interest even when I show you my porn stash, man!" He teases, punching me playfully on the shoulder. "You act like you don't care about that at all. And maybe you don't, and that's okay too."

I usually just nod along in the hope that he'll put the magazines away and I won't need to make up excuses to explain why I'm not excited by it. I feel as if there's something wrong with me because I don't know how to explain my lack of interest in women to myself, let alone to my friends.

"You do seem to enjoy looking at shirtless, sweaty, athletic guys though." Zack continues with his case. "But maybe that's just because you enjoy the games..." he trails off, the excuse he gave rings untrue to my ears.

Watching football practice has turned out to be my favorite activity lately. I can't continue pretending I don't know the reason why anymore.

"Look, I thought you were stalling to tell us because you were worried about how we were going to react. Julia was in favor to wait until you were ready to talk, but you know me, I have no patience. And I also don't want people giving you a hard time if any of this is true. But I also don't want you showing too much and giving things away if you prefer to keep it a secret." Zack lets out a long sigh. "What I'm trying to say here it that I can't watch your back if I don't know what's going on. That's why I decided to just talk to you about it. So I can help you better."

"Well... that's fast for sure," I mumble, feeling that everything was getting out way faster than I wished it would.

"It's really not a big deal, Ben. At least it isn't for me, and it sure as hell isn't for Julia. You don't need to freak out about it, or hide this from us, okay? We don't care if you're into dudes. Or not. You can be gay, straight, bi, pansexual, asexual, or whatever. We love ya, and we've got your back. Tell me what you want us to do, and we'll make sure no one hurts you."

"Thanks, Zack. It's good to know you guys have my back," I say with a chuckle.

"We're here for you, Benny. No matter what."

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Song Video Credits: Hearts by Jessie Ware