How Boys Speak

Brandon Speaks: Why so homophobic, Sir?

Brandon Speaks: Why so homophobic, Sir?

Hey hey, Brandon here. So I thought long and hard about what I was going to write about and I finally settled for just taking a little revenge on this one guy in my class.

Anyway today's topic is going to be on judging people because of their religion, looks or intelligence. Most of us have avoided being friends with people based on those reasons above and now that I think about it, none of that shit matters! I mean when I was younger, I was a real ugly motherfucker and it sucked! Only in my high school years I kind of became average looking but luckily the friends I had appreciated me for the ugly bastard I was. Haha.

Anyway, this dude in my class is so homophobic it's completely fucked up. Now I mean there's about 2 gay dudes in my class and we're actually really mature about these kinda things, it's not like they're some whacked perverts crushing on every guy they see but they do their own thing and us straighters do ours.

However, this bitch of a guy called Joshua (who ironically is extremely religious) starts to bully this gay guy like a motherfucker. It was just pathetic...

Once I mailed this guy and told him what he did was wrong and shit. He replies with:

You must be gay as well.

Really, bitch? Really? Out of all the insults in the world you couldn't even find a good one?

So naturally, I prank called him yesterday as a gay dating service operator. Some of the guys got involved in this one because different voices were required. Haha.

Enjoy!

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*Rinnnng Ring*

Brandon: I'm going to go gay sophisticated on this one.

Joshua: Yo

Brandon: Hello, is this Joshua ******?

Joshua: Yeah it is. Who's calling?

Brandon: This is Michael Lewis from GayCupid.com. We called since we haven't received a subscription fee yet.

Joshua: Bullshit. I never register for no homo site, okay?

Brandon: Listen here, dollface. I have a GayCupid.com account for Joshua ******* who registered here 3 weeks ago.

Joshua: That's bull.

Brandon: You have a vast video history that you have watched.

Joshua: Huh?

Brandon: Yeah, these are the videos you watched online: Gay Santa meets Rudolph, Honey I shrunk my Butt, ET- The Extra Testicle and Charlies' Anals. (Vote up for the video names?)

Joshua: I didn't watch no f*cking gay videos. Okay?

Brandon: Well Sir, you registered and you gotta pay.

Joshua: Listen here you gay motherf*cker, you better sort out this shit now before I call my lawyers.

Brandon: Sir please calm down, please. I'll patch you through my supervisor.

Joshua: Thank you.

Brandon: Please hold, sir.

Roger goes on the phone and pretends to be one of those computerized voices who advertise while you get put on hold.

Roger: Here. at. GayCupid.com. we. have. various. penis. enlargement. vitamins. to. help. you. get. that. special. kick. with. your. man.

Joshua then talks in the background. HAHA. We were all on the floor laughing so much by now.

Joshua: What the f*ck is this shit?

 Roger: If. you. have. a. small. package. please. press. one. (Roger wanted to burst out laughing at this point)

*Silence*

Roger: If. you. have. a. big. package. and. like. being. homosexual. please. carry. on. holding.

Joshua: F*cking disgraceful that services like these exist.

Roger: You. are. first. in. line. to. be. patched. through. the. supervisor.

We bring in good ol' Dean as the supervisor. Who acts as gay as one can get.

Dean: Hellooooooo dolly.

Joshua: Hi.

Dean: I understand that you don't recall registering for your account?

Joshua: Yeah this is f*cking bull.

Dean: Well sir, you just have to do a quick psychological survey to prove you're not gay. (LOL)

Joshua: What the fuck? I have to prove this?

Dean: This is the commons criteria, hunnny bunchies.
Dean: Have you ever thought of men in any sexual way?

Joshua: No, for f*ck's sake.

Dean: Have you ever thought of a man's ding dong in a sexual way? I do all the time. Hehehehehehe.

Joshua: Is this a f*cking joke? F*ck all you fags!

*Dead line*

So of course I had to call this douchebag back.

*Ring ringggg*

Brandon: Pick uppp! Pick up!

Joshua: Hello

Brandon: Heeeeeeeey honay!

Joshua: What the f*ck? You gay a$$hole! Stop f*cking stalking me.

Brandon: Well with all do respect sir, I ain't the one watching Charlies Anal's online.

Joshua: You probably are you f*cking fag.

Brandon: How old are you sir?

Joshua: 22

Brandon: You sound hot like Sylvester Stallone. You must be packing.

Joshua: F*ck you.

Brandon: Sir there is a picture of you on our website which says "I love balls" on it.

Joshua: Are you joking?

Brandon: No sir. PANTIES! (I just said panties for the sake of it.)

Joshua: Are you sure? How do I look?

Brandon: You look hot sir.

Joshua: No, you f*cking dumbass. What do I look like?

Brandon: Oh you have brown hair and brown eyes. Your nose is kinda big though.  

Joshua: Someone is obviously faking me.

Brandon: You have a big nose and I have a small package. We have so much in common.

Joshua: You better close this account down before I f*cking call the lawyers

Brandon: BALLSACK!
Brandon: Of course sir.

Joshua: Can you remove it?

Brandon: BALLSACK!
Brandon: We can't because some of our loyal customers love fapping to your pictures.

Joshua: F*ck this.

Brandon: DERP

Joshua: What?

Brandon: I said word.
Brandon: BALLSACK!

*Silence*

Brandon: Your voice makes my penaynay say hey hey. (Quote of the year)

*Dead Line*

Brandon: *Bursts out laughing* Shit, that was freaking funny! He held on for that long!

Anyway, sorry that this extract took a while but it finally came. We do read all your comments so please continue doing it...

Love you all :)

Brandon.

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