"Penis penis penis."
I groan, and slap my alarm clock in the face. My life is so boring, but at least I don't wake up with the sound of ring ring ring. That means I'm special. I pick out some cheap designer clothes from my closet and go to the bathroom to take a shower.
I come out hours later, squeaky clean. Too bad I can't wash off my ugly.
I walk over to the mirror and look at myself.
"Ugh, I'm so hideous," I say to my reflection. I have boobs the size of eyeballs and a perfectly curvy and skinny body. God damn, I'm ugly. My long, luscious blond hair makes me want to throw up.
My cell phone rings. I pick it up and see that my best friend is calling. "OH EM JAY! What's up, Bitchney?"
I'm so jealous of her name. I've wanted to be named Bitchney ever since I can remember, but my parents named me Mary Sue instead. I hate my parents.
"OH EM JAY, Mary Sue! Hairy Smiles just asked to make out with me!"
"Ugh, how dare you!" I exclaim. My best friend is such a bitch. "We're over."
I hang up just as a knock comes on my door. I open the door. "OH EM JAY! You're Hairy Smiles!"
"What's up, homeydoggy?" says the hottest man-dude I have ever laid eyes on. He smirks. "Actually, that's only my middle name. My whole name is Vampire-slaying Hairy Dragon-breathing Smiles Werewolf."
"OH EM JAY!" My stomach fills with happy butterflies. "Can I touch your muscles?"
He smirks. "Yes, they're as big as watermelons. That's why I like to chew on them in my free time, but I don't have much free time. I'm too busy slaying dragons."
The butterflies are getting stronger. "Does that mean you don't have time to make out? Because--"
He kisses me. Ugh, how rude! I was in the middle of saying something!
I slap him in the face. He lands on the ground, but still looks like the hottest man-dude I have ever seen. The butterflies explode out of my stomach and I throw up. Vampire-slaying Hairy Dragon-breathing Smiles Werewolf swims through my vomit and we have hot, dirty sex.
He smirks. "Wait, before we continue. I have a secret."
I blush. "Are you secretly Eduardo Coolio in disguise?"
He smirks. "No, I'm a zombie."
I pee in my sexy thongs. "OH EM JAY!"
We live hornily ever after.
