After a totally normal day at school, I start walking home. There’s a shortcut that I always take. It’s a dark alley with hobos in there. Today is different. I can feel someone following me, their eyes trailing my small ass.
Suddenly, I am grabbed from behind. The first thing I notice is not how his hands are digging into my shoulder blades, but how green his eyes are. It’s like the puke on one of the doorsteps nearby. It’s beautiful.
“Mary Sue, you are special,” he sexily says.
“OH EM JAY! Like, really?” I let out a titter. “Is it because I had hot, dirty sex with Hairy Smiles?”
“Yes.” He gives me such a reassuring smile that despite the fact he’s wearing all black and we’re in a dark alley, I trust him with my life. “You also have a superpower, and need to use it to save the world.”
I gasp. “OH EM JAY! I’m so excited! Aheeheeheehee! What’s my superpower?”
He pauses. “Are you sure you’re ready to hear it?”
“Yes.” I start to pant, my tongue lolling out. “I am so ready.”
“Okay, let me explain the context first. It’s a very hard superpower to master, so be sure to listen carefully.”
My mouth falls open and touches the ground. A hobo climbs into my mouth, and I start to choke. My eyes pop out of their sockets and land on the floor. One of the hobos grabs my eyeballs and starts chewing on them. “Thank you, ma’am. I’ve had nothing to eat but—”
“Shut up! I’m trying to explain something here!” All-black-guy kicks the hobo away. “Okay, Mary Sue. Have you ever gone to take a shower, but forgot to bring some underwear with you?”
It’s like he knows my life story. I nod. “All the time.”
“Your superpower is that you can use telekinesis to move any underwear an inch away.”
“OH EM JAY! That’s like the best superpower ever!”
“Okay, are you ready to train it? Remember. You need to use this to save the world in 5 minutes.”
I concentrate all my being into my soul. I can feel the energy building up. It’s, like, the best feeling ever—even better than when I pee into my dog’s butthole and she licks her lips for more.
“Now, you are ready to save the world.”
“OH EM JAY! I will never save the world. I’m too busy slaying dragons with Hairy Smiles!” I unleash my superpower and give him a wedgie. “Aheeheeheehee!”
