Driving Doctor Mayhem

[4] Tap, Tap, Tap

Regrettably enough, I showed up to my first day of work after eighteen years of nothing ten minutes late and reeking of a cheap gas station swill-coffee hybrid.

Doctor Mayhem didn't notice, though, because he was asleep at his desk. I could've shown up ten hours late and there's a pretty large possibility that he would've been none the wiser. I took the opportunity to gaze around.

The entire place smelled like laundry detergent and plastic. It wasn't entirely unpleasant. Something that I had neglected to notice in my pre-interview hysteria was that, despite the place being furnished like any other blue collar apartment, the walls were painted a stark black that made it feel like the darkness was staring at you.

I realize this sounds melodramatic, but that's the only way to describe it, and after getting to know the man who picked out the swatch in the shade Unsettle-Your-PA-Black, I decided that it was probably by design.

He didn't want anyone to snoop around for long. What he wanted to keep anyone from discovering, I just didn't know.

Normally, I would have let him sleep and poked around a bit longer, but a) I was a bit scared of what else else I would find, and b) it was my first day of work. I was overly caffeinated and desperately enthusiastic and ready to get the show on the road.

I tapped his shoulder. Nothing.

Harder. Still nothing.

Oh my God, I thought with absolute certainty, he's dead.

Tap tap tap.

I'm going to be on the eleven o'clock news.

TAP TAP TAP.

I'm going to be haunted by this traumatic memory for the rest of my life.

TAP! TAP! TAP!

I've just discovered a body. This is like the beginning of a Law and Order episode or something.

Feeling increasingly desperate--and a different kind of desperate than minutes earlier--I slammed my fist on Doc's cluttered desk, causing all of his papers, pens and, oddly enough, a few dinosaur Happy Meal toys, to go flying. He shot up in his chair, seemingly resurrected, and I all but fainted.

"What on God's green earth," Doc slurred, pulling his wristwatch to his face. Looking around at his scattered belongings, he got a grasp on the situation pretty quickly and let out a sigh. "Oh, that happens. The sleeping."

I nodded dumbly, not wanting to risk making a worse second impression.

I had, after all, given what was at least in the running the most pitiful job interview in the history of the free world and miraculously gotten the position, anyway. Now, as repayment, I'd barged into my employer's apartment ten minutes late and poked at him.

"Narcolepsy," he added, not making a move to pick anything up. "That's why I need a chauffeur; I have a relatively mild case, but I still like ordering people around. It's very fun. I'm telling you this now, should you never get the chance to experience it for yourself. I mean, come on, who would put you in any position of power? Your shoes are on the wrong feet."

I nodded again, scared to look down in case he was just messing with me. My feet did feel a little pinched.

"Also, I fell asleep on the bus one time, and woke up in Wisconsin. Not the nice part of Wisconsin, either. It was terrifying." He spoke through a yawn, "Did you think I was--ahhh--dead or something?"

"Just a bit," I whispered.

"Well, you must be a little dull. Either that, or I have finally reached the age where it is acceptable for me to croak for no foreseeable reason, which I hope is not the case." Doc pulled at his gray hair in an attempt to cover up his receding hairline. He looked young in the face. Ish. I figured that he must've been one of those Steve Martin types.

I nodded, and his face fell.

"What happened to the words? We were getting somewhere," he groaned, spinning his chair around. "I would ask if I hired the right PA if I wasn't always correct. The girl from the interview just wouldn't shut up--"

"Thus, the nodding."

"Well, you're boring when you nod, and frankly, annoyingly chatty is preferable."

He smirked matter-of-factly, before pausing and shooting off on a completely different train of thought. "Say, you don't happen to have any cats you don't care about, do you?"