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I am not sure I can tell you the number of times I fell in love when I was young. Probably not as many I think I have. Surely many more than I probably should have. Maybe just enough.
I can tell you this though, I wish it was more. I hear people all the time talking about wishing they had never met him or her. Saying maybe they wish they could forget this person or that person. Regretting knowing this or that person. I get it. It hurts sometimes. It feels like it was such a waste of time when you know you got it all wrong.
But more often than not I envied other people in their connections. I looked around and saw everybody caught up in a connection that I was not a part of. And not just a personal one. A general one too. I see people connected everywhere I go. I see them linked in some kind of unseen force of attraction. A gravity of people. Connected by some unseen force that makes everyone a part of everyone else in some form or another and leaves me completely out of it.
A gravity of people.
Why is everyone so drawn to each other? What draws them into these connections? Why does it seem so easy for some and impossible for others? Why does it seem that some of us are only ever just watching from the outside? Always?
Since I was little I have never really felt the gravity I have seen in other people. Because of this, I think I have taken to heart the times I have come close to it. The times I saw a person the way they saw me and we were alone in the moment. They were precious few times. They are precious few times. They hold me together I think. Make me feel more human than I sometimes feel I have a right to feel. If that makes any sense at all.
But those times. Those few times. They felt so draining. Like if I was not designed to withstand that kind of connection. Like it was meant to be momentary or fleeting thing and I had no way of holding on to it. Or maybe just no right to it. Or something else I can't explain.
I guess we should all strive for more connection to others. It keeps us grounded. It makes us a bit more whole than we would be otherwise. It may even strengthen us. I feel lucky I had kids and grandkids. They do this easily for the most part and shared it with me without holding back.
I would love to thank those that did (and do) fight my resistance to this gravity. You know who are.
I know I am not the only one that feels like this. But I have yet to look out into the gravity of people and see me. I'm sure I'm there somewhere though. I have to be.
