i am not a replacement

Chap9-2(I admit)

Her face was everywhere, there was even a billboard that held her face in it along with Madeline but..she was all I saw ..like my mind was playing games; it made sure that she was all I noticed.

And as pathetic as it sounds, I even got all her pictures that were taken at the photoshoot, some were out to the public and some were not, but here, they are all in my house; hiding behind my office doors and laying on my desk beside my workloads

I was smitten, I truly was and it took me a divorce and a heartbreak to finally admit it ..to myself

I wish things went in a whole different way. I wish I was brave enough to confess my sin, tell you when my heart beat faster for you and how you made me restless for days.

I wish I hadn't shut my mouth and sealed these words in, just because I felt you would reject me and awkward would be the best way to describe the rest of the life we'll lead

it hurts Amanda, and I wish I can tell you, the same way I vented the pain ivy's departure inflected in me the same way I wanted to tell you about the pain you planted in me... My intentions are good to you but I was the opposite of it, I wanted to hold onto you but I let go knowing that my heart is selfish indeed..you wanted a family of your own and I couldn't grant you that for years, however all I did was pour sorrow and the anger I had towards me on you when I saw it clear

I saw it... the way you were happy with someone other than me

I ADMIT IT... this selfish heart of mine wants you to be mine, begs me to pull you in but my mind is fighting it blaming it for whatever it can, daring to even use ivy in inexcusable ways...

I ADMIT IT... I played my mind so much Amanda, but my heart still remains the same... selfishly wants you to be mine.

the sound of the doorbell echoed shaking me from my daze, I opened my desk's drawer and shoved the pictures pile in it before I got out and found my way to the front door

Opening it... I was met with her father ..the father of the woman I was ogling a second ago

"sir" was the only thing that came out of my mouth and you can't blame me for that, 'cause I didn't expect him for starters and even if I did, I truly had nothing to say ...

"I need to talk to you"

I can see the blazing fury behind those eyes of his and I can feel its heat from the words coming from his lips melting me

"come in "

and that ....that was the beginning of it all

"she needs to see him, and I will take him with or without your approval " those were his words before he took Louis with him, moving through the door with a child so excited to see her again, like she was all he truly knew and all he truly wanted...

I knew he missed her, I knew he regretted the things and words he said and I knew he was tormented with the fact that she wasn't here.. But I can't believe how happy the thought of seeing her again made him, he didn't even bother look back to me when he left.

She made him hers, she made him her son when he was mine and Ivy's blood, he seemed to love her more than any of us and I can't blame him for it

But if she gave herself the right to take what wasn't hers then why can't I do the same? why am I stopping myself ?

She's not mine but I have the right to take what's not mine, the same way she is

I ADMIT... I don't want it to be your pictures in my drawer anymore... I want YOU in my home again...