Title: Then in Rome
Author: princess26 / O’Nika Banette
Summary: In Ancient Rome, Princes Meroe of Kush is kidnapped by the Romans and sold into slavery. While enslaved she falls for her master's son Lucas. but to be together, they have obstacles and people standing in their way. will true love win out?
This story is, indeed, Historical Fiction but it could have used a lot more research. Some of the mistakes: Meroe was the name of the capital city of Kush, not of their princess. The Candace, or ruling queen, of Kush was at that time was a one-eyed woman called Amanirenas, not Makeda (who was queen some 800 year prior, around the time of King Solomon). Moreover, Kush was not under Roman rule and thus did not have to pay tribute to them. Quite the opposite: they negotiated favourable peace terms with Rome after a battle lead by Amanirenas. There is no reason for the Romans to kidnap the princess of Kush.
Aside from these historical facts, there are a few other problems. For example: If the Romans capture a foreign princess, why would they sell her as a slave? If it is money they want, a ransom would be more effective, or kidnapping common people to be their slaves. Another example: Meroe’s reaction to pale skin (she thinks it beautiful). She comes from a land full of people with dark skins. Correct, she might have seen foreigners, but her norm would be a dark skin. Anyone with skin colours she is not used to, would be seen as strange, at first.
Spelling and Grammar: There is a spelling mistake in the description. “Princes” instead of “Princess”. There were a lot of spelling and grammar mistakes throughout the chapter, especially near the end of it. There is one enormous paragraph that seems to be a single sentence. Bad grammar and spelling distract from the story, so it is better for both the reader and the writer that this is corrected. I suggest that the author uses shorter paragraphs, uses sentences that contain periods, and perhaps looks for an editor to go over the chapter. “Wondering” is not the same thing as “wandering”, to name something.
General Advice: The first thing that needs to be done is correcting the spelling and grammar. Some more advanced tips: start with the action. This chapter starts with a dream, a vague description of the Nile. That is not exciting, not good enough to hook your readers. Start when the two men enter the cell. Then the classic: show don’t tell. Both very important. And of course: research, research, research.
All in all, I wouldn’t recommend reading this book if you’re looking for something historically accurate, at least not until it has had some major edits. I didn’t get past the first chapter, so I can’t say much about the storyline, although the blurb looks promising.
Don’t give up!
- F.i.T.
