This Is Me Warts And All

The Police

Friday 27/6/2020

I turn over in bed to see Alex still sleeping I smile and put his arm around me. Then I go back to sleep with him holding me tightly. After our chat yesterday he told me he understood if I needed space to get my head clear in regards to sex.

I told him there wasn't a sex band and I told him he makes me feel safe and I trust him. I allowed Steve to make me almost take my own life he wasn't going to take my love and sex life as well. Alex isn't a fling or a one night stand he's my husband who I love very much. I've not been communicating with him like I should've been been. But it's not too late to fix things I want us to start being a strong team again.

I don't mind cuddling with Alex or even kissing him but sex isn't on my mind right now and Alex is okay with that. I'm not worried he's going to leave me because I'm not giving it to him either. Unburdening myself seems to have cause some of my demons to disappear.

When I next wake up I'm alone in bed I showered, brushed my teeth and walk out the bathroom with a towel wrapped around me. I choose black jeans and a light blue shirt that brings out the colour in my eyes. I add a dark blue sweater to my outfit and check myself out in the mirror.

I walk downstairs to see Alex dress very similarly to me except for a white shirt. He was making American style pancakes my absolute favourite breakfast meal. I go to the fridge and take out strawberries and blueberries and wash them. I cut up the strawberries along with some bananas and place the fruits in a bowl.

Alex comes behind me and hugs me.

"What do you feel like doing today?

I tell him I'm going to the police to report Steve and I wouldn't mind seeing the new Marvel movie after.

I call mum when breakfast was finished and told her I was going to the police, she ask if she can come I told her yes. I'm still angry she chose Steve over me but she believed me yesterday. She never once doubted me and she's trying so I'm going to give her a chance.

When we get to the station I was put in a room with a camera and asked different questions about the abuse. Which were intrusive and there where times I didn't really want to answer but then I remember my objective was to see Steve pay for what he did.

After the police interview mum hugged me and told me she was proud of me for being so brave. She left to start her shift at the hotel and Alex and I promised to come by later for a drink.

I was glad we went into the movies not long after the interview. I cried for a bit while we were waiting for the movie to start. In the end I really enjoyed the movie and had a ton of popcorn and nacho cheese, with some gummy bears.

We arrive home after the movie and I realised I didn't say anything to Teddy about what was happening. So I went to see him and told him everything including my suicide attempt he cried. It hurts me to know I caused him to feel bad because he's been nothing but good to me.

Alex and I went to the pub for dinner people was staring at us constantly. He held my hand while he kissed me tenderly and told me not to worry. I took a call from DS Walker who was handling my case he told me Steve had been arrested.

Alex and I ordered burger and chips then went into the back room with a pint for Alex and a orange juice for me.  Nick hugged me when he saw me and said he was sorry and that he was there for me. My other family members came to see me in the back and said the same thing.

"Take next week off", my uncle Fred said to me but I told him I didn't need it I would be fine. I'm not going to hide anymore don't get me wrong I know what I just came through is tragic but I'll be fine.

I look at what I've written then remember it was not saying what was going through my mind that caused me to almost die.

Ok diary for a while people in the village will make me uncomfortable because they will be staring at me because of my affair and relationship with Alex. Seeing Amy knowing she didn't help with the fuckfest that was last Friday won't help. The possibility of Steve turning up in the village won't  help with my recovery either.

While I will have to deal with all that at some point I need to take a step back and recognise. I just came out of hospital for something incredibly serious. There was enough alcohol in my system to seriously cause the pills I took to kill me if Alex hadn't found me.

We finish eating dinner and I tell Alex I wanted to go back in the pub I have to face everyone sooner or later. I'm drinking a mock-tail  when I bring up us going to Scotland for a week and renting a cabin somewhere we can go on long walks. Go fishing and eat in restaurants serving fresh seafood. He thought it was a great idea and we had a look for places on his phone.

We decided to go to the Isle of Skye tomorrow we got a good deal on the price. After we book it Alex called his boss to say he won't be in for another week and a half. She was okay with it because it turns out her sister attempted suicide but no one got to her in time to pump her stomach or give her pills to make her throw up.

I told mum and Teddy we were going away for week, "I don't blame you Cassie. Just being in this place and being reminded of him is making my skin crawl".

I look at mum this has got to be hard for her too she though she really found happiness. I go and speak to Alex then we speak to Teddy and I ask mum if she wanted to come with us. She said yes and arranges for agency staff to cover her shift.

Alex tells her it's a good idea to redecorate the living quarters in the pub. They decided to get rid of the sofas, beds, tables and chairs and replace them by the time mum gets back from Scotland. It was also decided outside the family no one should know where mum, Alex and I went for our holiday.

There was a bit of a dilemma Linda, Alex's stepmother worked at the hotel as did Abbey if Steve stop by he can sweet talk them into letting him into the pub. I didn't want Elliot to know my business he and Alex hated each other.

I suspect there was more to it that him hating him for leaving Amy or sleeping with me. My cousin Lexie was overseeing the agency staff and I knew she would make sure Steve never showed his face in the pub again. But she can't be there twenty four seven. In the end we didn't tell Abbey and Linda why. Just that Steve was never to be allowed in the pub front or back. Mum threatened to sack them if she came back and found out they didn't obey her wishes. They didn't understand but said okay.