Afterglow

numb

The swells and curves of the stark white clouds carved a pure canvas against the impossibly blue sky, the grey and damning weather from the previous day completely forgotten and it was as if the world could start anew, but I wasn't like the rest of the sky, able to forget the dark stains splattered against me not even twenty-four hours before.

My back protested against the speed with which I sat up, at first unaware of my location, but soon the memories came flooding back into that cracked mind of mine.

The cold, wooden floor had been my bed for the night, as I hadn't felt the desire to listen to Jenna and her extracurriculars with a fellow classmate who didn't necessarily like me as much as I didn't necessarily like him.

A slumber party with Blythe and Vera, which happened to be more like a pity party, was just what the doctor ordered apparently, as I prodded that ache that had filled my throat with a knot and my eyes with burning tears, but found nothingness there instead.

Numbness, I supposed, was far easier to handle in everyday life than the alternative, a breaking down so far that I could no longer recognize the writhing heartbreak that summoned the blood to flow away from the sinews in that beating thing in my chest.

I didn't even think clawing that damned organ right out of the cavity in my sternum would make a bit of difference, as I'd still be there, lying on the ground in agonizing, blinding numbness.

But it was easier to manage, still, as I blindly dressed myself and performed basic hygiene, forgoing completely any makeup or extra steps that I normally would have put into my appearance.

I didn't cringe in the mirror at the purple circles mottled underneath my eyes, yet another mark from the stains upon which resided inside of me, the tears that fell one after the other wrapped up in the arms of my friends instead of the family that should've been there for me while a good friend of mine laid thousands of miles away clinging onto his life...

And yet when I conjured up pictures of his face, wisps of his voice, I felt nothing.

Perhaps this numbness would come back to get me once I snapped out of it, but for the moment I relished in the absence of the pain and stepped out of the dorm before Blythe or Vera had even stirred from their spot on the makeshift palette on the rough floor.

The chill hit my skin all at once, as the walkway between dorms wasn't insulated, and then the sunlight pierced my consciousness, a reminder that even the things that dimmed to a darkened charcoal hue in the throes of storms and tempestuous clouds would live to shine another day, if only the sentiment could reach me.

I just shielded my eyes from its abrupt brilliancy.

Three steps into the outdoors had me wishing I'd remembered to grab my overcoat in my haste to escape that suffocating room with Jenna, Lachlan peering at me as if I were some kind of science project.

Lachlan.

Even his name sent confused and curious thoughts running down my spine, though I didn't have the time nor energy to sift through the strange mixed signals he'd been sending me in the past days, all at once insulting me, and then coming to my rescue.

I chose to ignore it, it was easier that way anyway.

A quick text message from my mother reminding me of our 'family dinner' at her house later that night rang through my phone and I couldn't find it in me to roll my eyes at the word 'family'.

I didn't have a car yet, even as my eighteenth birthday slowly approached. Only five and a half months until I'd finally have full autonomy over myself and my decisions, somewhat. Until then, I'd be subjected to the whims of my mother and her need to look on the outside like what we had was perfect, something for other families to be envious of even though she was already separated from our father, our 'family' already cleaved apart by something far more sinister than divorce.