The Years That Followed

Chapter Six: If We Were a Movie, I'd Be a Background Character

Noah was warm. A familiar warmth.

'Why am I always drunk when I'm with you?' I asked as I leant into Noah as we swayed, neither of us particularly good dancers.

'Because you feel safest- because you know that I would never judge you or what you do or say. Because you know that I know you- through and through.' Noah says, so sure of his words that it sounded like he had prepared them and memorised them like a script.

'I'm always surprised when anything of intellect comes from your mouth.'

When Noah didn't reply I took it as my opportunity to ask what I had always been too scared to know before.

'What about me? Do you feel safe with me?'

Talking about emotions and feeling always felt awkward. No matter how secure you feel with someone, your feelings are the most vulnerable part of you. Becoming like a phantom pain once they were rejected. Hard to diagnose, pinpoint or cure. You knew it shouldn't exist, but it did.

Noah rarely spoke so sentimentally or seriously.

Unless he was at a certain stage of drinking and I had never been able to tell if his drunken words were his true sober thoughts.

A beat of silent swaying proceeded before Noah whispered;

'I don't know. You make me happy- and you know me. But that makes me scared.'

The content of his reply didn't shock me. Noah was never one for serious commitment. While it was not the easiest thing for me to accept, it was something I'd figured out a while ago. What shocked me was that Noah was telling me this. We never talked like this.

Not when we were dating, not when we were breaking up, and definitely not afterwards. The simple words seemed so hard to say.

He couldn't even tell me that he loved me. Not when I was needing to hear it.

'Noah, are you ok? Is everything alright?' The question felt awkward on my tongue. The sentence itself felt like it didn't belong at this present moment in time.

The handsome boy only smiled.

'You know me Char- all is good. All is fine. I was just thinking about things. How are you and Clark anyway?' The reciprocated question was just as misplaced as the first. The bringing up of my boyfriend at a time like this made me instantly uncomfortable. I took a step away from him, using an awful shimmy dance move as an excuse.

Was it because of guilt? Here I am with my ex-boyfriend dancing at a wedding when a guy who loves me is at home?

'We're good. All good. Nothing new to report.' The standard answer sounded slightly cold.

'Nothing new? Not even a hint of you know- this?' Noah asked as he gestured around the decorated barn.

'For God's sake-no. Clark and I are nowhere near marriage. Why is everyone asking me about it?' I huffed, my cheeks going pink at my rise in volume. Noah chuckled at my immediate response, shaking his head.

'It was only a question. Do you want him to?' He inquired, always asking the questions that seemed to be the hardest to answer.

Rocket Science must be easier than this.

Instead of answering I just ignored it. But silently I allowed myself to think of my answer.

Could I imagine marriage? Practically the answer was yes- but the more I tried to picture it the more I felt uncomfortable. It didn't seem like something that felt natural or easy. More and more guilt and conflict was piling on top of my shoulders as me and Noah swayed. Each second increases the weight.