If I Knew Then

Chapter 44: I'll Never Break Your Heart

Rehearsals for the tour were still in full swing but the boys still had their days off. Since Brian had told Nick how he felt, he and Nick had been spending a lot of time together. The only difference this time was that they were closer than ever before. 

"We should do something for the 4th of July. Like when we went to Cocoa Beach." Brian said when he came out of the shower in their hotel room. He'd been thinking about doing something for Nick to prove he was serious about trying to be in a relationship with him, because Nick was skeptical. He still didn't trust him fully and Brian knew it was because of the lingering damage Leighanne had caused. Nick felt like the rug was going to be pulled from under his feet at any moment. Brian hated that he felt like that. He knew he had to do something big to gain his trust. 

“I don’t know if that’s a good idea. Are you sure?” Nick asked skeptically, playing his Game Boy in the bed. Brian was a little thrown off by the fact Nick had just turned him down, but could he blame him. He knew how much he had hurt Nick and he wanted to show him that he wouldn’t do it again. 

“I think we could both use a weekend to ourselves. Besides, I’ve already booked it so you can’t back out.” Brian winked. Nick didn’t say anything, but went back to playing Zelda. They went to bed and the next morning they began the drive to Myrtle Beach in a rental car that Brian got. Nick didn’t say much on the three hour drive to South Carolina from Charlotte. All he could think about was the last time they’d gone on a beach trip together, when they’d gone to Cocoa Beach for a weekend just like this one. Brian had acted so funny then. He’d cornered Brian for acting so odd. 

“What is going on with you, Brian?”

“I-uh….er….” 

“You never seemed to care about me being gay before, so why start now? What’s wrong with you? What’s really wrong with you, because none of this makes any sense. First you tell me to hide it from everyone, then you tell Leighanne that I’m bothering you and obsessed with you, and now you show up at my house wanting to take me away with you for the weekend? What are you getting out of all of this?” 

Brian took several deep breaths before he spoke. Nick knew that he was just doing it to not make him more angry, because he could tell Nick was angry. 

“No-Nothing. Nothing’s wrong. I am just trying to understand you more, that’s all. If I’m making you uncomfortable, I won’t ask any other questions. We just never have talked about it again since you told me and I was thinking, that’s it.” 

Nick nodded, playing with a loose string on the carpet. 

“You were thinking about me being gay?” 

“Yes.” 

Nick hadn’t thought much about that conversation again until now, but after knowing everything the last year or so, it suddenly made sense. Brian didn’t know what he was feeling. He was trying to sort things out just like Nick was trying to do and Nick felt bad for expecting Brian to figure it out at the same pace he did. 

“You okay, Nick? You’re awfully quiet.” Brian asked him, jarring him out of his thoughts. 

“Sorry, I was just thinking about when we went to Cocoa Beach.” Nick smiled nervously. 

“Our first kiss.” Brian said, keeping his eyes on the road. 

“Why didn’t you just tell me how you felt then?” Nick asked.

"I didn't know how to express it then. I still don't. I mean, I know that I love you...but everything is so confusing for me. I don't want to hurt you, Nick. I just want to be with you." Brian replied as he made the turn into Myrtle Beach towards their hotel.