everything's fucked// james cook

part 24: knob

He kissed me slowly, tentatively, like he was unsure of how I was going to react. After a few seconds of unresponsiveness, he pulled back.

"Vi?" he said sadly.

I shook my head at him slowly, biting my lip to hold back sobs.

"I-I can't," I said, choking on my words. 

I was overwhelmed, it was all too much. Every ounce of my heart longed for him, but my head was confused. I needed to get away, just out of here. I need to figure it out.

Cook stood there, confused.

"I love you," I said, watching his face light up. "But I can't right now, James. I need to figure this all out. It's me, I'm messed up."

His face is a mess of emotions, as if he isn't sure how to feel.

"Is this you dumping me?" he said, finally settling on one. Anger.

"James, it's just," my voice trailed off. The tears come now, slowly. 

"It's not your fault," I say. "I should have listened to you, I should've let you explain."

I start to back away, to leave. I have to get out of the room, away from him and the mess I've made. 

"Forget about this," I say. "Everything. This isn't your fault, and stay good, please. For me."

And with that, I turn on my heel, and walk out of the classroom, away from Cook, my friends, my life here in Bristol.

He follows me, and grabs my hand before I leave Roundview completely. 

"Viv, I said I wasn't letting you walk away from me again. Fuck this. We'll figure it out, you and me. We're fucked together, remember?"

I turn and see the pleading look in his eyes. I pull him into a kiss, a sweet goodbye to my broken boy.

I push the doors open, and this time, he doesn't follow me. 

Once I leave Roundview, I fumble in my hoodie for my phone. Flipping it open, I press call on one of the only people who can help me. 

"Tone?" I say, once he picks up. "Feel like getting the fuck out of here?"

♕⋆♕⋆♕

I laid my head on Tony's bare chest in the back of his car as he plays with my hair. 

It brings back memories of my room, sun streaming in, and a certain boy...

I push them away, too painful to deal with. Right now, this is what I need.

Tony's fun, and he's a good distraction. Shagging him and getting fucked up is better than moping around and having to deal with my confused feelings. 

I wasn't sure why I left, why I couldn't kiss Cook back, why I couldn't deal with any of it. I loved Cook, but something held me back. My insecurities were realized when Panda kissed him, and I flipped out instead of listening. I just wasn't good for him, I couldn't put him through that pain anymore because of my problems. It was better this way.

Or at least that's what I told myself.  

"Do you miss your ex girlfriend?" I asked randomly. 

"Seriously?" he said, eyebrow raised. "I just fucked you, and you want to know if I miss my ex?"

I level him with a look as I sit up and pull his t-shirt on. 

"Come on, we both know that this," I said, gesturing between us, "is just a distraction. We both want other people, and we can't have them."